Toxic Masculinity: The Convo Continues

So there's a bit of writing currently making its round that I felt would be appropriate at the Bar:
"When I was a freshman, my sister was in eighth grade. There was a boy in two of her periods who would ask her out every single day. (Third and seventh period, if I remember correctly.) All day during third and seventh she would repeatedly tell him no. She didn’t beat around the bush, she didn’t lie and say she was taken – she just said no.

One day, in third period, after being rejected several times, he said; “I have a gun in my locker. If you don’t say yes, I am going to shoot you in seventh.”

She refused again, but right after class she went to the principal’s office and told them what happened. They searched his locker and there was a gun in his backpack.

When he was arrested, some of my sister’s friends (some female, even) told her that she was selfish for saying no so many times. That because of her, the entire school was in jeopardy. That it wouldn’t have killed her to say yes and give it a try, but because she was so mean to him, he lost his temper. Many of her male friends said it was 'girls like her' that made all women seem like cock-teases.

Wouldn’t have killed her to say yes? If a man is willing to shoot someone for saying no, what happens to the poor soul who says yes? What happens the first time they disagree? What happens the first time she says she doesn’t want to have sex? That she isn’t in the mood? When they break up?


Years later, when I was a senior, I was the only girl in my Criminal Justice class. The teacher, who used to be a sergeant in the police force, told us a story of something that had happened to a girl he knew when she was in high school. There was a guy who obviously had a crush on her and he made her uncomfortable. One day he finally gathered up the courage to ask her out, and she said no.

The next day, during an assembly, he pulled a gun on her in front of everyone and threatened to kill her if she didn’t date him.

He was tackled to the ground and the gun was taken from him.

When my teacher asked the class who was at fault for the crime, I was the only person who said the boy was. All the other kids in the class (who were all boys) said that the girl was, that if she had said yes he would’ve never lost it and brought a gun and tried to kill her. When my teacher said that they were wrong and that this is what is wrong with society, that whenever a white boy commits a crime it’s someone else’s fault (music, television, video games, the victim) one boy raised his hand and literally said; 'But if someone were to punch me and I punched him back, who is at fault for the fight? He is, not me. It’s self-defence. She started it, so anything that happens to her is in reaction to her actions .It’s simple cause and effect.'

Even though he spent the rest of the class period ripping into the boys and saying that you are always responsible for your own actions, and that women are allowed to say no and do not have to date them, they left class laughing about how idiotic he was and that he clearly had no idea how much it hurt to be rejected.

This isn’t something that’s rare. This isn’t something that never happens, or that a select group of men feel as if they are so entitled to women that saying no is not only the worst possible thing a woman can do, but is considered a form of “defence” when they commit a crime upon them (whether it be rape or murder-as-a-reaction-towards-rejection).

Girls are being killed for saying no to prom invites. Girls are being killed for saying no to men. They are creating an atmosphere where women are too scared to say no, and the worst part is? They are doing it intentionally. They want society to be that way, they want women to say yes entirely out of fear. Even the boys and men who aren’t showing up to schools with guns are saying; 'Well, you know, I wouldn’t do that, but you have to admit that if she had just said yes…'
I don't really know what to add to that. What about y'all?

Comments

  1. I don't have anything to add either.

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  2. You know I recently listened to some old podcasts of about five or six years ago. They were talking about this very thing. The scary thing is violence has gotten worse for women ALL OVER THE WORLD!

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  3. To me,if a man can't accept " no " for an answer,he has somnw deeply serious issues.

    So far,I've been fairly fortunate in not meeting guys like the ones being discussed on here,but I never let my guard down. I've seen guys approach girls and when ,they are rejected, they are all sort of Bs. As mentioned on here times has changed. If a girl tell a guy no,she may not live. What an unfair scary thought.

    It's also scary to read about those sorry folks in that CJ class. Nobody deserves bad because their intense feelings aren't returned to them and for them to talk such garbage is horrible.Law enforcement is already unreliable and with people like them, things will only get worse. I don't know about that teacher but if it was me,I would have gave them an F for a lack of responsibility.

    Come to think of it...some of those same losers are probably the same ones have became abusive cops..you never know.

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  4. "some of those same losers are probably the same ones have became abusive cops."-M

    Sorry dear, but these losers become doctors, lawyers, janitors, pastors, athletes, and the list goes on. I'm blessed that I too haven't run into any of these men, but it gets to the point you immediately wonder if someone is a nut job as soon as you meet them. Not necessarily a bad thing to do, but still.

    And the punishment is a joke. A woman pretty much has to be beat within an inch of her life to get a restraining order and sometimes not even then. And if the man kills her normally he will be out in less twenty years for good behavior. When you switch it though women are given automatically at LEAST twenty years minimum with no chance of parole.

    I just saw this story online. https://www.yahoo.com/news/michigan-man-arrested-four-children-found-dead-media-111225097.html

    I'm tired of women being killed and everyone just looking the other way. ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN AND THEIR CHILDREN. While everybody wants to make excuses and point fingers; black women are going extinct.

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    1. "I'm three of women being killed and everyone just looking the other way"

      I know what you mean. It's sick..and not in a good way. When someone say no..it's no and it should be just that. I'm a female but I put myself in those losers feet to try to get the obsession of harassing women like that. Not long ago,I was looking at this Black contractor on being interviewed on the news after him and crew was robbed.

      Everyday,I see some good looking guys on the streets and on my job my god! I work with a lot of good looking South Indian men/ North African men ..and have even been asked out by one,but he didn't retaliate because of it.That was 6 years ago.

      I must also agree with you and reading these stories about Black women being killed for ones unfed ego is maddening. Its like the suspects get mad because they're supposed to jump and bark at their command when spoken to.Its like their murderers are saying that Black women( in this case )have no standards so they should accept scraps off the table and when the come across women who reject their advances it hurts them.

      Not that long ago,I read about a beautiful young West Indian woman who was killed during a J' Ouvert festival because she told her murderer not to grind on her. I mean...my god,her killer could not respect the woman for not wanting a strange man to rub on her.I know I wouldn't.

      Now this fool will most likely be able rub against all of those prisoners. He should ask himself was killing this woman for being rejected worth me going to jail.. and hopeful prison?

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    2. "Its like their murderers are saying that Black women( in this case )have no standards so they should accept scraps off the table and when the come across women who reject their advances it hurts them." -M

      Exactly! I don't get it. There are billions of people on this planet yet you get upset that ONE wants nothing to do with you?!?!?! That is stupid!

      What is crazy is there are probably women who will date them, but because those women don't measure up to what THEY want then they pass those women by.

      I remember many years ago ONE of TWO times I went to a club (just not my thing) a guy and his friend were standing behind me. They made a comment about my body and I knew it was time to go (I was in there all five minutes!).

      I read about the young lady at the festival. Its sad she couldn't go just to enjoy herself. But you know what? My second time at a club for a friend's going away party opened my eyes. The types of dancing were pretty much sex with your clothes on. It left little to the imagination. I kept thinking why would you want some guy doing that to you. And these were couples who came there together. I'm talking complete strangers. I knew then that times had changed. That was my last time in a club.

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  5. This is why I don't trust men so selfish and so focused on their hurt ass little feelings. This is why I dislike it when people say I want a son because they are less work, no one is raising these little monsters. When more women shoot men then the world will stop to listen. This made me so mad. its too much and this is why if I have kids they will be raised right. No special treatment for boys or any crap like that, they will be raised equally. Ugh I just goodness. God help this world. Jesus come down now.

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    1. This is such a good point. When people make dumb statements like that about boys, that means the work is not being done. And now we have the results.

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    2. This is such a good point. When people make dumb statements like that about boys, that means the work is not being done. And now we have the results.

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    3. "When more women shoot men then the world will stop to listen." -Amanda

      Nope they will just lock women up for long sentences, call them bitter, and say their are crazy. Look at the track records. A woman (regardless of her race) kills a man and she will automatically get a long (at least 20 years) prison sentence. EVEN if it was self defense and he was abusive. It happens every day. ALL OVER THE WORLD.

      "This is why I don't trust men so selfish and so focused on their hurt ass little feelings."-Amanda

      And see that is sad because there are some good guys out in the world. But so many women are coming in contact with the a**holes that they have PTSD! I recently read about a lady who was married to a sociopath. She said in 20 years she hasn't dated and didn't want to because of what that man did to her. That is PTSD!!!!!!

      "This is why I dislike it when people say I want a son because they are less work"-Amanda

      And that is the problem. ALL children regardless of their gender take work. Too many parents think because a girl can get pregnant or have sex then you have to watch and guide them more. Yet boys can get someone pregnant and have sex yet no one guides them.

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  6. Exactly, a lot of parents don`t have important conversations with their sons.

    Entitled guys... that and the fact that many of them don`t know how to listen or take what women say seriously. While women are brought up to cope with their frustrations and the like, many men aren`t and are told their anger is valid. I can`t believe when you said that a CJ student said that threatening a girl with a gun is self-defense and her fault. This is so f*cked up. The irony is that by saying so, they are admitting that they are scared of women, and vulnerable when dealing with mere feelings, NOT physical threat.
    I don`t know if there will be any improvement in the future but I guess it`s best to hope.

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  7. Sadly this sickness isn't confined to just the States.

    Woman attacked in London for ignoring catcallers. https://www.yahoo.com/style/yet-another-woman-is-attacked-after-trying-to-ignore-catcallers-202820692.html

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  8. When women are rejected they are told something is wrong with them, there as an entire self help industry of books, magazines, talk shows and radio telling women how to fix themselves so that men will respect and marry them.

    When men get rejected it is the woman's fault. The woman is labeled stuck up and the guy isn't expected to do any introspection or self improvement.

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  9. Really sad, but true story, and it happens quite often. Everyone should be just more confident.
    Richard Brown dataroom services

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