Deja vu all over again

There’s a difference between wanting to be heard and exploitation. When you want to be heard, you recognize the energies that are being exchanged and the consent on the part of the listener to invite that energy into their space. When and if there isn’t that recognition, you venture into the territory of exploitation with the potential to do harm.

As a Black woman, the propensity for others to recognize my humanity is underwhelming. As I do not exude femininity—as it has been characterized throughout history both past and present—people do not see me as a sentient human being, and thus, it is easy use me and throw me away. As of late, in conjunction to wanting to exploit me sexually, people (both men and women) have wanted to exploit me emotionally.

A man I thought I could trust took me for a ride. He promised reciprocity, and in a way I had expected it as I had stuck with him as he “sorted himself out.” He pined about lost love, the one that got away, his past vices and his ghosts, his depression, and suicidal thoughts. I had no problem. I was there. I was searching high and low for myself, I thought he understood, and he did… until it was my turn to talk. He shut me down and carved me out of conversations I laid the foundations for. He gave me nothing, and when I needed him the most, he left. He had gotten better, and didn’t need me anymore.

That’s when I started to set boundaries. I set boundaries for me and the people around me. The more boundaries I set, the easier it became to see the signs....
(Source)
Does any of this sound familiar to some of you?

Comments

  1. I just had a big fight with my big sister over this a couple of weeks ago. She's been exploited for years by her best white girlfriend and she doesn't even realize it because she's too either naive or too dumb.

    I never liked her friend; she stopped talking to my sister for months and stopped their friendship when she was dating her ex boyfriend back in the days but when he dumped her; guess who she came back to?

    More recently, she was living with her other boyfriend so I was lucky enough not to see her or hear from her, she fade away. However, she stayed near my sister because she covered up for her while she was cheating on her boyfriend. (At least, she had to be useful for something!)

    Unfortunately, now that her black (surprise!) boyfriend dumped her, she moved back at her parents' (in our neighborhood) so I got to see her more and more often. My sister is the cure for her heartbreak.
    As she came to my place more and more often, she got a little too comfortable one night and thought it was ok to make noise at 2AM while I was asleep on the living room couch. I told her straight to shut the fuck up.
    Of course, the next day, my sister was very upset and came to her rescue (for a change). I was rude but my sister would have never had the luxury to do the same at her place.

    Not only I hate this girl, but her trying so hard to assimilate into black African culture makes her even more annoying and pathetic especially when she loves Hitler because she hates Jews (and Indian men whom she stereotypes as rapists).
    Now that she's freshly separated, my sister is not only her listener and caregiver, she's also a weapon to hunt after black d*ck. Thus, this hoodrat has a crush on our little brother's friend that is 7/8 years younger so she come to my place to flirt. She has no shame.

    I'm glad to see some black women are realizing this pattern in some friendships and are speaking up about this. I'll let my sister in her ignorance, if she likes being a mammy to her so-called best friend at 30 years old, it's not my business anymore. But I feel sad for her though, especially since I have to powerlessly witness this exploitation.

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  2. " Not only I hate this girl,but her trying so hars to assimilate into Black African culture makes her more annoying and pathetic especially when she loves Hitler because she hate Jews( and Indian men who she stereotypes as racists..."

    Are you serious about your sister's " friendship" with this girl ? OMG! I know that there are some people who may approve of one non-Black race over the other but I would be very uncomfortable having someone like that in my life..or a fly by night friend like that. A part of me will always wonder if she could have a possible hate for Black people? Even if that wasn't the case, there are two things that I sense about this girl: She's probably one of those White girls who was raised to be racist,but have have a thing for Black men,but she just only want to be around your sister because it would be easier and convient for her to get another Black man.

    I guess this " friend" only didn't realize that Hilter not killed Jews,but he killed anybody who wasn't a blond haired,blue eyed German. Some Black German was put into concentration camps too! So if she's cheering Hilter for what the he did to Jews, it really show you her chance of her having negative feelings about Blacks and other minorities. Your sister should show Minnie the Moocher the door.

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  3. I think a lot of people out there purposely befriend people because of what they are, especially when it comes to Black Women. People believe a lot in the stereotypes and they want that sassy black friend that is just full of wisdom and has a listening ear. They don't see you as a person with your own life and feelings just as an object at their disposal, that's why when you try an talk about yourself and your problems for a change and show that your a person too they lose all interest. That's why I only keep a few people close to me, I've experienced this a lot growing up with so called friends. We Black Women need to be cautious of people attempting to befriend us. We need to see if it is really us as an individual and thus person they like or do they just see us as a black female friend, an object with no needs or wants of her own. To be able to tell you need to watch how they interact with you, for example do they only try have conversations about stereotypically black or black female things (black music/singers, tv shows, celebrities) etc., do they attempt to do speak with a "blacent", or use black slang around you but at no other times, also, and this is a big one, do the prescribe certain "stereotypically black female" mannerisms or certain ways of behaving to you that you have not done or have never done while you're with them. For example, if you voice you're disagreement with something and they use "z" snaps or roll their neck even though you never do that. Or they say you would have "went off" on something even though you are actually a mild mannered person. Or they use that little "sassy black female voice" while referring to something you said even though you didn't say it like that and or never speak that way. They also if you do show any type of ethnic or cultural identity(ie. "blacent",mannerisms, slang...) they mock you for it. They don't see you as person or individual you're just an object to them.

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    1. "The other night, my big sister was watching a movie and she made a comment about the villains "I wish Hitler could come back to life just to kill them all." I wanted to say "But don't you realize he would have killed you too on the way?", but I didn't want to start a fight."

      The Germans even called White women who took up with Black men & had biracial children as n***** whores. There is a book called "Invisible Woman" by a biracial woman whose mother was German, father was Black, and she talked about how she & her mother were both treated by German society.
      These hypocritical bigots need to be charged to the game, pronto.

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    2. @ Rose Z

      Oh, girl....you nailed with all of those "tells."

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    3. @ Mickey:

      I'll let that ignorant clueless racist useless b*tch know when I have the chance.

      Delete
  4. *jaw drops*

    I used to have a white female "friend". To make it short, it was all about her when we talked or met. I've never been the chatty type, more of an introvert so I was the perfect listener. Our hang-outs had to be convenient to her, at her flat or near her workplace or for her own enjoyment (shopping, but I usually dislike it). On the rare occasions I tried to tell her I didn't feel good emotionally and was seeing a psychologist, she didn't support me. I only realized all of this when I introduced her to my best friend, who didn't like her eventually. I had to see how she didn't care about meeting us and minded her business, and even left earlier to go meet a man she didn't like (her own words). She never did this with me alone so yeah, that was new to me. Then I cut ties with her. I probably had the bad idea to write her an e-mail about it but I wasn't even angry at her, just really disappointed. I've never been too invested in our "friendship" so I wasn't heartbroken nor sad. I'm a loner (voluntarily or not). When you're isolated, you don't realize immediately that some stuff aren't normal, especially if you tend to focus on the good side of people who come your way. Now I got better at spotting red flags even though I'm still a bit awkward. Thank you for the link, I can relate to her (I actually wrote my post before reading her full article!).

    However, racist friends? No way I could have tolerate that! *I just have to say this*


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  5. @ M

    "A part of me will always wonder if she could have a possible hate for Black people?"

    It is very possible. I know from experience that wanting a black men or having biracial children doesn't mean you like black people.

    "She's probably one of those White girls who was raised to be racist,but have have a thing for Black men,but she just only want to be around your sister because it would be easier and convient for her to get another Black man."

    You've hit the nail on the head! She even has hope to get in a relationship with my cousin even though he's already in a serious relationship and has two children with the woman. They briefly dated in the past but she still dreams. If it doesn't work with my cousin, then it would any black man she can possibly meet thanks to my sister (or my little brother).


    "I guess this " friend" only didn't realize that Hilter not killed Jews,but he killed anybody who wasn't a blond haired,blue eyed German. Some Black German was put into concentration camps too!"

    I think she is smart enough to know this which makes the whole thing even more worrying. Hitler even got rid of disabled people.
    The other night, my big sister was watching a movie and she made a comment about the villains "I wish Hitler could come back to life just to kill them all." I wanted to say "But don't you realize he would have killed you too on the way?", but I didn't want to start a fight.
    She repeats all the dumb things her friend says without realizing what is a stake. At this point, it's just plain ignorance and stupidity which is why I won't bother anymore and let her be a mammy to her white friend.

    "it really show you her chance of her having negative feelings about Blacks and other minorities"

    She hates Jews and stereotypes Indian men as violent rapists but oddly enough, she can't stand any stereotypes about white girls/people in France (flat, can't cook, don't bathe, docile, etc.).
    Hypocrisy at its finest!
    I also noticed she started throwing her hate and stereotypes at Indian men while I was dating an handsome Indian man from Guyana. When she stereotyped and hated on Indian men on her few Facebook status, she pointed out right before she was not a racist.

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    Replies
    1. White folks just think that we're stupid. Some people just don't get it.

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  6. See, the key is to stop things from the get. When you have someone who's not your friend and whom you don't feel anything special for, and they're babbling on about themselves, their emotions, their thoughts, their drama....the best thing you can do is hit the metaphorical pause button and ask, "Why are you telling me this?"

    Their answer is actually irrelevant, of course, because no matter what they say, it won't matter to you. You can just be like, "I'm flattered you think we're friends/I'm easy to talk to/I seem like a nice person and all, but I'm not feeling you like that. Boundaries, boo-boo. So you can go on and tell somebody else about all that bullshit, 'cause I don't and I won't be giving a goddamn single solitary fuck about you."

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    Replies
    1. When I read your comment the first thing I thought of was Bonnie's quote from htgawm " I may look nice but that's just my face."

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    2. *dead* That should be a T-shirt.

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    3. LMAO @both of you. True, though. I'll keep that in mind.

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  7. White society..as a whole ..aren't interested in POC's affairs.

    They can talk about you ..and expect for you to agree with them..but when you bring up your issues, they..like the ones being described on here..are dismissive. Just look what some of them will do when you bring up an issue like racore. They will either deny it, won't talk about it or just insult it no matter how truthful it is. Most times it's a case of wanting something for nothing.

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