Wall of the Male Self

(h/t Shawn Harris)
A Republican state lawmaker apparently regrets an entire career of making vile comments about AIDS, LGBTQ people, women, abortion and rape.

Representative Lawrence Lockman of Maine was thrust into the national spotlight when blogger Mike Tipping posted a collection of offensive comments the first-term Republican has made through decades of extremist activism and advocacy. Maine Democrats called for his resignation Tuesday. He released a statement of regret (no, not an apology) the next day.

As director of the Pro Life Education Association in 1990, he was quoted as saying:

If a woman has [the right to abortion], why shouldn’t a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t [in most cases] result in anyone’s death.
(Source)
And this is why women hate talking to men about rape.

First of all, things like these are not said for attention.  Male public figures who make statements like these are not trolling.  Your average dude on the web who *shrugs* and talks about the "varying degrees" of rape, or the technicalities, the differences in opinions, etc. and so forth are not trolling either.  Make no mistake: they are all being very honest and saying exactly what's on their minds.

I was talking to a guy friend recently about men who have "issues" with boundaries.  You know the type...they talk about sex five minutes after meeting you for the first time, they touch without permission, they stand or sit too close (again, without permission), they try to draw you away from the herd to get you alone, their idea of a second date is go to their place and get insanely drunk...you catch my drift.

I'm talking about the guys who ask you out/proposition you when your significant other is standing within earshot.  I'm talking about the ones who get belligerent when you issue a polite rejection, the ones who immediately respond to your movements with force, i.e. you try to move away, they immediately tug you in the opposite direction even though you've made it clear you're trying to get away.

So my Guy Friend in typical Guy Fashion started talking about how men are "dumb" and that if you want to take things slowly (or are altogether uninterested), you have to spell things out clearly otherwise they "just won't know".  Ladies, we know what that means: they conveniently assume whatever the hell they want, regardless of what you say and do.  'Cause last time I checked,  you can't get much clearer than, "No."

And I wasn't having it.  Before I begin, understand that I am not special.  I am a woman, and your average woman - regardless of her appearance or social status or even sexual orientation - can relate to my experiences.  Ladies, ever have that guy friend you've known for years ask to come to watch a movie or some shit, and you end up literally having to wrestle to get away from him?  It's not fun or amusing, gentlemen; it's horrifying.  I have been grabbed, pulled, pinned, and practically dragged by perfectly sober guys before, some who've professed to be my friends and friends of my family, and there was nothing harmless or misunderstood about it.  I have had my No's blatantly disregarded, even coupled with eye-rolling or irritable sighing, as though my refusal were a mere trifling inconvenience to be overcome.

A lot of men react to these stories the same way white people react to tales of racism: quiet and denial.  Quietly listen, then awkwardly deny, "I didn't realize that sort of thing was going on."  And like with racists, men like these are everywhere, sometimes in our own families.  They are not mentally disturbed; they were not abused as children.  They are not violent and they don't get into trouble with the law.  They're just men, average men, everyday men, and they are not to be taken lightly.

So as I was talking to Guy Friend, I was suddenly reminded of this soldier I had a fling with years ago.  He was on leave, scheduled to return to Iraq, and very much still in a military state of mind.  When I told him about guys grabbing stuff which didn't belong to them, he got over his disbelief in record time, unlike most men.  He didn't need me to draw a picture; he was just like, "Hey, K...the next time a dude pulls that shit, here's how you break his wrist."  He didn't play the delusional denial game; he didn't try to sell me the company line about guys being "dumb" and not knowing that I didn't want them touching me.

I always appreciated Soldier Guy for that, because it usually takes a lot more to scratch the wall of the male self; you can forget about breaking through.  Men tell themselves and one another the same lie over and over, that it's "instinct" when they immediately try to restrain you, and that they can't help it.  And since they all know it's a lie, that what's when the justifications and theories and debates arise.  That's when terms like "sexual freedom" become twisted and perverted.

Lockman may regret losing his career but he doesn't regret what he said.  And he didn't say it for publicity or notoriety.  He and millions of men just like him actually believe it, and they will take that belief to their graves...even if they do learn to behave in public.

See Also

Mirror, Mirror

Comments

  1. I think Lockman also regrets that the cat's out of the bag. There's no way he could dismiss it, and it bit him square on the ass. I bet he wishes that he wasn't more careful with his words.

    As a man, I'm in no position to talk or lecture about sexual abuse and rape, especially if I have that misogynistic mindset. I will say this though. Sexual freedom is not sexual anarchy or sexual imperialism when men are the imperialists and they see women as civilizations to brutally conquer in the name of power.

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  2. Women have the right to defend themselves and shoot these men or pepper spray them. If this is the mindset of the average male I shudder. They are not entitled to a womans affections, attentions or bodies. Funny how men need things to be spelled out but with women they are supposed to get the hint from the get go. No excuse and men like this should be called what they are sexist rapists. Once the word rape comes into play they try to change meaning, smh.

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    1. Exactly. They're willing to get laid "by any means necessary", but they don't want to be called rapists.

      Funny how men need things to be spelled out

      We must also point out how men like these keep talking to you after the first "No." They don't shut up and go away. Most men hear "No", and then set about trying to turn "No" into "Maybe"...by any means necessary.

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  3. Did you hear about the law that's Massachusetts have about upskirting women. Apparently, it's an old law that states that men have rights to "legally" look up a woman's skirt or dress. Unfortunately because of this law a guy was let off. Just last year in California, a law said that unless a woman was married, men had rights to RAPE you and the rapist in question used it against his accuser and WON. UnbelievableAlthough both of these states said that they were going to close the loopholes in the barbaric laws ,it just goes to show what men's thoughts we're in the past... and even present .


    I'm sooo sick of guys..especially guys like Lockman who abuses their powers to humiliate women. I just how he thinks that women wants to be raped and abused . I wonder if be would be OK with someone did this with his mother, grandmother, sister or daughter (if he has one). You have to be a sick bastard to want something like that and no,I dont think that he regrets his words because if he did, all he should have thought about his female relatives and kept his mouth shut.

    One thing that I will say about Obama's presidency is that it has brought out the worse in people but also for the better. People like Lockman has really let us know what he really think of minorities and they are really showing off. It's their idea of their "Christian" faith (Please!). I mean those Republicans cannot handle it and it shows. The GOP times are up and they know it. They are panicky, but they/do say stupid stuff that end up hurting them. Slowly but surely, their own politics are backfiring against them.

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  4. "If a woman has [the right to abortion], why shouldn’t a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist’s pursuit of sexual freedom doesn’t [in most cases] result in anyone’s death."

    Wow! I can only respond by quoting Matthew 12:34: "You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

    In such a mindset rape is merely viewed as collateral damage in the misogynistic man’s pursuit of Sexual freedom or sexual Imperialism; which by action or inaction leaves countless victims in his wake. When you look at the adverts from the 1950’s and 60's its quite evident that the white man was misogynistic in regard to his narrative of the modern woman, seeking to keep her in her place at every opportunity. When Playboy's Penthouse aired on national TV in 1969 it was also evident he gave no quarter to her personhood or sexual autonomy. The woman existed for his pleasure, whether she consented to his overtures or not was of minor consequence to him or his white male peers.

    To paraphrase an excerpt from the article: ‘This generation of women is more feminist than we ever were
    Steinem cautioned against assuming that a run of new fall network dramas like Pan Am, The Playboy Club and Charlie’s Angels (or Mad Men) signal a return to TV’s objectification of women in order to drive ratings. “The hierarchical response has two poles,” Steinem said. “The very worst (white) men are into sado-masochism, and the most racist (White) men are into nostalgia. I think this is like the nostalgia industry.

    Shows like Mad Men are steeped in Nostalgia, a time where white men could be men and women existed only to satisfy their needs. Our very culture is saturated in misogyny and just like racism, the white man longs to return to a time where he didn’t have to be bothered by the trivial complaints of women, (or those ungrateful Negros). A time when the very fabric of society revolved around him. Mind you this type of supremacy doesn’t just corrupt the white man’s perception of the world around him, but moreover- it corrupts absolutely; both him and his male heirs.

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  5. Yeah it has always bothered me how men will routinely victim blame or gas light you when you talk about how other men treat you. When I mentioned sexual harassment and/or street harassment to my male peers their first reaction is to ask what I was wearing. These are men who saw me a minimal of 5 days a week yet they prefer to think I dress like a stripper outside of their presence then believe no woman deserves to be harassed.

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    1. The most annoying part is how dated that particular piece of drone-speak is. It's a copy-and-paste, zero-responsibility reaction to a serious problem. It's as old as the advice back in the day when people literally advised girls - and I actually remember getting this advice as a young girl - that if a man was about to force us, we should 1) just submit, supposedly in order to increase our chance of survival, and 2) ask him to use a condom (which was often later used in courts as sign of consent).

      Do y'all remember that shit?

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    2. "...and I actually remember getting this advice as a young girl - that if a man was about to force us, we should 1) just submit, supposedly in order to increase our chance of survival, and 2) ask him to use a condom (which was often later used in courts as sign of consent).

      Do y'all remember that shit?"

      Yes, I remember.

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  6. Leo Princess3/6/14, 5:13 PM

    There's something sickly amusing about these grabby men. I will explain. They love to justify bad behaviour toward women by reaching for The Great Caveman Explanation ("Well, back in prehistoric times, the males had to forcefully have his way with a healthy and attractive female to get his genes passed on yadda yadda rapesplain yadda so that's why men are like that."), but get huffing-puffing pissed when women call them animals.

    A recent article about a judge having to let go a man who'd go around taking upskirt photos of unsuspecting women (in the judge's defense, their hands were tied by the lack of legislation in that arena), and I broke the cardinal internet rule - I read the comments. Plenty of men saying that it was a victimless crime/not a crime at all and much ado about nothing, but told the women that they would be wrong if they responded violently to such sneak photography. Only ONE man said that the photographer was in the wrong and was sick as hell. The rest? Best summed up as "What the hell are you bitches whining about?".

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    1. If memory serves he’s a creepy looking white man too! It’s hard for many white men in authority to condemn the actions of another white man let’s say, for racism or sexism- because many of these judges entertain those same proclivities. Therefore if I as judge don't see anything wrong with such behavior I can hardly condemn a man (however well-intentioned the law may be) for committing similar offenses.

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    2. First of all..."rapesplain"? Stealing it.

      but get huffing-puffing pissed when women call them animals.

      That is funny, actually. I said it before; if men are so sexually sensitive and can't control their urges or behavior, then maybe they need to be the ones who stay home, covered up, sequestered, guarded by 24-hr chaperones, and barred from working and going to school.

      Secondly, the judge should've set a precedent and sent that fucker to jail, but I understand having their hands tied. And I'm glad to know lawmakers in that state are scurrying to update that ish STAT.

      Here's hoping other states aren't sitting on their asses, clinging to their old laws until finally they're forced to change them.

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  7. "I said it before; if men are so sexually sensitive and can't control their urges or behavior, then maybe they need to be the ones who stay home, covered up, sequestered, guarded by 24-hr chaperones, and barred from working and going to school."

    That is it exactly. I also think that until it becomes socially, financially, emotionally etc, a detriment to continue their behavior, nothing will change. We have these men backing up each other or doing absolutely nothing when witnessing harassment/rape/creep behavior etc (which to me is basically the same thing - you do nothing, you are part of the problem and not the solution).

    It is so hard to get a male to lose his job, get imprisoned, much less lose social status when doing these things, that I'm ever so happy to see justice being served if/when it does happen.

    And let me tell you "these kinds of men" are more numerous than you'd think. You can already tell judging from some of this commentary. I did several gut-wrenching blog posts about harassment/street harassment/rape on my own blog and the males who are usually there cheering me on when I'm blogging about racism are acting like they suddenly got hit with the stupid stick.

    My favorite is the seemingly inability to discern between normal every day flirting, greeting someone courteously and paying a compliment and street/harassment. Like I got argued at with that "rapesplain" ish (imma steal that too lol) and attempting to turn the tables on me (gaslighting extraordinaire skills suddenly appear) like I'm the crazy one who doesn't understand what's going on.

    And the biggest splainer and arguments came from a reverend - a long time reader and commenter on my blog. I wasn't so much surprised at that, as completely and utterly pissed off. Wonder what the fuck he's preaching from his pulpit every Sunday.

    I do apologize for this long ass rant, but this subject matter triggers so much with me. I just seriously don't know what kind of world we are leaving for our children and grandchildren with these men who refuse to step up and put and end to the misogynoir, rape and everything damn else they are pouring down upon the heads of women and girls.

    I just simply sometimes want to give up, go find a secure bolt hole and just ride this ish out.

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    1. “And the biggest splainer and arguments came from a reverend - a long time reader and commenter on my blog. I wasn't so much surprised at that, as completely and utterly pissed off. Wonder what the fuck he's preaching from his pulpit every Sunday.”

      If he’s anything like Pat Robertson I have a pretty good idea what he’s preaching. Responding to a writer from an “Ask Pat Robertson Bring it on” segment Pat blames the wife for her husband’s infidelity. I know his co-host would like nothing better than to walk over there an slap all of the misogyny out of this man, but not if she wants to keep her job.

      His words:
      Here’s the secret. Stop talking about the cheating. He cheated on you, well; he’s a man, ok. Begin to focus on why you married him in the first place; on what he does good; providing a home to live in, food to eat, clothes to wear, is he nice to the children…Is he handsome? Essentially fall in love with him all over again. Give him honor instead of worrying about it. Recognize also, like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is to make a home so wonderful, that he doesn’t want to wander.

      Pat lays out his reasoning much in the same way white people justified slavery. Is he good to you? Does he beat you with few stripes? Does he provide a home for you to live in? Food to eat? Clothes to wear? Is he benevolent towards the picaninnies? Is he a man of good reputation? The master has created conditions so agreeable for you one would be crazy to grumble (or escape).

      Notice Pat never addresses her hurt (which is legitimate), he never addresses her sense of betrayal or her loss of trust. Instead he ignores the woman’s case completely, undermining the very reason she sought help in the first place. In Pat Robertson’s eyes: The Material (everything relevant to you as a woman) has become Immaterial in terms of what you can expect from a man, end of story. He offers no support or consolation, none but to defend the institution of manhood. Aside from preaching the word of God, there’s an old boys club in the church hierarchy that views women much in the same way. Be it Mitt Romney with his coop of elders perched in that shiny Mormon temple, the store front Baptist church that stands on most inner city street corners, or Pat Robertson and his ilk. This man represents the old guard of white male patriarchalism , an aged dinosaur heading towards extinction but lingering well past his time.

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    2. Leo Princess3/7/14, 11:53 PM

      If I can't expect the same fidelity level from a husband as he'd expect from me (cuz, you know, straying women are unnatural crimes against humanity), then what's the sense of being married? I mean....is it only the woman who makes the 'forsaking all others' part of the vows while the man just hums and looks around? 'He's a man!'. Attaboy, Pat.

      I'm about as surprised by Ol' Pat's advice as I am about the brain farts from politician's mouths.

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    3. Leo Princess3/7/14, 11:57 PM

      @Jojo - It KILLS ME when these idiots want to lump, "Hello, Ms." normal flirting with "AYE GURL, COME SIT ON THIS DICK!", grabbing at women and making women fear for their lives. That's a special level of obtuse.

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  8. @ M. Gibson

    "Joel Valdez had 28 good years before this one stupid mistake," Mr. Nettles said. "If you can take the alcohol out of Joel Valdez you're not going to have this kind of offense. How do we know that? Twenty-eight years without a problem."

    @ Leo Princess

    If I can't expect the same fidelity level from a husband as he'd expect from me (cuz, you know, straying women are unnatural crimes against humanity), then what's the sense of being married? I mean....is it only the woman who makes the 'forsaking all others' part of the vows while the man just hums and looks around?

    The idea that men dismiss rape and infidelity as mere "stupid mistakes" (like backing the car into the mailbox or leaving the stove on), is a constant reminder of the low regard for women and the repeated eschewal of all accountability. Valdez was convicted back in 1993, yet 20 years later, we still hear the "stupid mistake" excuse. A mistake is defined as an incorrect action, characterized by misreading, misunderstanding, and/or miscalculating - you know..."ignorance." We are saying men rape and cheat because they don't know better. Women who rape and cheat are never assumed to not "know better." When women do it, our cruelty, our vindictiveness, our cold calculation are very much acknowledged and dissected for all the world to see.

    It's like when a black gangbanger blows off the head of a rival, his cruel disregard for life is more than acknowledged. But a when white mass shooter lays waste to a classroom, an office, temple, or movie theater, he's just misunderstood.

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    1. "It's like when a black gangbanger blows off the head of a rival, his cruel disregard for life is more than acknowledged. But a when white mass shooter lays waste to a classroom, an office, temple, or movie theater, he's just misunderstood."

      Well said, I have nothing else to add.

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  9. Don't put this off on ALL men the Repugnantcan group are a seriously misogynist psychotic caveman lot. this is just par for the course for them remember the other conservative dummies who have said sick stupid crap regarding rape? makes your head spin like the girl in The Exorcist

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    1. In my experience, this is a problem which crosses lines of race, age, and political leaning when it comes to men.

      A Rethuglican may have said this, but I've heard the same reasoning from all types of men all my life.

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