So I went to see "The Desolation of Smaug"...

But first we need to deal with the half hour of trailers/commercials.



Um, okay...no.



Uh...hell, no.



Y'all, where did all the pretty white boys go? I mean, if you're gonna shove a shit-ton of vanillacentric media down our throats, could you at least have the decency to acquire some attractive specimens? This is some repugnant shit.



...WTF???



Oh...oh, no...no, no, no, no, no, no....

And now, Smaug....

Let me explain what I learned in a list format.

1) Peter Jackson is losing his touch.

2) Smaug is rightly heralded as the best thing about the movie.  In typical Peter Jackson film style, the greatest acting is done by the unseen actor (remember Gollum's acclaim?).  That white guy who forever tarnished Khan Benedict Cumberbatch really represented as the voice of the great dragon.

3) Orlando Bloom got old, is now less of a compelling actor, and so I downright loathe with what's become of Legolas.  I'm sorry, but you don't get a white dude - ten years later - to play a century plus younger version of himself.  Seriously, y'all...Peter Jackson is losing his touch.

4) I'll never understand why the citizens of Laketown agreed to remain next-door neighbors with a friggin' dragon.  You'd think that little piece of real estate would've plummeted in value once the flames news broke out.

5) I don't appreciate how flawless and just plain awesome these trailers are, while the movies are anything but. In fact, I've noticed that the acting and voice-overs don't seem to match, as though the films were made...and then the trailers were done completely separate from the films in order to hide the fact Peter Jackson is losing his touch.

6) The back-to-back unnecessary action and heavy-handed CGI did not distract me from the empty acting, the weak dialogue, and the limp humor.  Instead, they reminded me of The Pirates of Caribbean movies (when they started to suck) and The Lone-fucking-Ranger.  Um...No.

7) Peter Jackson is losing his fucking touch and it hurts me to witness this.  LOTR was a damn fine trilogy, well-done and appropriately lauded.  So well-done, in fact, The Hobbit trilogy has got me wanting to hop onto Amazon Instant Video and replay Jackson's handiwork back when he was doing shit correctly.  Remember the scenes with an exhausted Aragorn, seemingly half-dead upon his horse?  Remember Orlando Bloom's acting, how charming and convincing he was?

8) The immortal Sir Ian McKellen deserved so much better than this.  He needs to sit Jackson & Co. down and have a very long conversation with these people.

9) The actor playing King Thranduil should be fired.  He was so much better in the first film...you know, back when he didn't talk?  I'm not diggin' this bitchy/diva/mean-girl-from-the-valley version of an Elf King.  It's un-fucking-befitting.  Whenever he opened his mouth, I got the feeling I was watching some God-awful, low-rent, vampire B-movie with some talentless indie rockstar posing as the head of a mighty vampire family.  Negro, please.

10) At least the She-Elf this time around is a bad-ass warrior woman Guard Captain who's considered "lowly", rather than Daddy's fragile little princess.  Great things happen to a character when they're not rolling in privilege.  And Tauriel falls for a Dwarf, which indicates a rebellious streak.  She falls for the Dwarf instead of Legolas (who's into her), and who can blame her???  I don't even want this new - sorry, old - Legolas and there was a time when he could do no wrong in my eyes.  The only girlish gasps in the theater came from my cousin who, apparently, still wants to hit that.  *blink*  Well, good for her.

Comments

  1. you know most of the time back when I used to goto the movies, the best part was the trailer. I mean me and brother would count down and plain to see the movie. Now i can't watch a second of it. I mean I didn't bother to watch the bloody trailers and I know it's crap.

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    1. I'm gonna have to start going to movies a half-hour late.

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    2. ^lol, you don't already?

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    3. For some reason, I haven't bothered to watch this movie and after seeing the comments I'm seeing on here, I'm wondering should I watch it at all?

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    4. Not in theaters, you shouldn't.

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  2. I can only react to this as an artist (not a film director). That being said, almost every artist loses their touch over time, sadly it’s inevitable. Michelangelo’s last judgment pales in comparison to his Sistine ceiling (painted 20 years earlier). His Tomb of Pope Julius II -finished about 40 years later- was one of his greatest disappointments. Stanley Kubrick’s ‘A Space Odyssey’ bombed at the box-office, with many critics berating the work. Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake was panned even before it hit the theaters, and they’re still bad-mouthing Ridley Scott's Prometheus.

    Trying to live up to the expectations of your fan base puts undue strain on your creative resources, while the pressure to turn out an exceptional product is intense. You try to do everything right, utilizing new tools and new techniques (while pulling a few tricks out of your pocket that worked so flawlessly for you the first time). However audiences/patrons view the work as “the same ole stuff,” anesthetized over time they’ve come to expect even greater things from these directors. Concordantly the artist feels bound to measure themselves against the bar set by the critics yet something is irrevocably lost in the effort. Many find their footing again, but almost every artist reaches a definitive moment in their life in which their creative powers are at their zenith (before the inevitable decline).

    Maybe we’ve come to expect too much from these artisans for it seems each director is more often than not, judged by their latest effort and not by the totality of their work. The Matrix could very well be the Wachowski sibling’s defining film, (Loved Cloud Atlas) just as The Lord of the Rings is for Peter Jackson. Frankly I’ve always viewed the movie trailer as the Ole Bait-and-switch. The editor (much like the merchant) promises great deals in the advert (the bait), yet utterly fails to live up to those guarantees once the customer is on the premises (theater). Hence the customer is pressured to accept something similar usually at a higher price.

    As to the Godzilla trailer, when I saw that blonde white woman comforting her child I knew it was going to be another 'pretty white people in peril' movie. I wanted so much for the film to go back to its roots and tear Hibiya, Tokyo a new one. Ahh but "who wants to sit and watch a bunch of Asian people for two hours" (white executives murmur). We’re being saturated by whiteness in film- television, and popular media. It’s a wonder we don’t all glow in the dark from all that exposure. I’m also in agreement with your take on Orlando Bloom. White people don’t tend to age well. Very rarely do you find a white actor that holds up after 10 years or so.

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    1. I can only react to this as an artist (not a film director). That being said, almost every artist loses their touch over time, sadly it’s inevitable.

      See this...this is why I miss you when you're gone.

      We’re being saturated by whiteness in film- television, and popular media. It’s a wonder we don’t all glow in the dark from all that exposure

      *dead*

      I’m also in agreement with your take on Orlando Bloom. White people don’t tend to age well. Very rarely do you find a white actor that holds up after 10 years or so.

      I mean, they couldn't have cast a new Legolas? Tom Felton's still in his 20s. He's tall. And slender. And looks good in blond hair - he didn't want to play an Elf instead of channeling Draco Malfoy in friggin' Belle???

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    2. "I mean, they couldn't have cast a new Legolas? Tom Felton's still in his 20s. He's tall. And slender. And looks good in blond hair - he didn't want to play an Elf instead of channeling Draco Malfoy in friggin' Belle???"

      I think for many hard-core fanboys the bigger sin would lie in replacing Orlando as the beloved Legolas.

      But Orlando Bloom's return as Legolas in "Desolation of Smaug" isn't just for show. The fan-favorite elf comes back with a vengeance here, stabbing swords and arrows through orc-flesh like a knife through butter. It's great to see the man back in action.

      I’ve read many comments on how good he still looks (of course many whites seem oblivious to one another in terms of age, what with whiteness being the standard an all. I remember commenting (Huffington Post) on how withered and old Sharon Stone looked, as white people in the very same comment section praised her (while chiding me) for her Timeless Beauty. It was my belief she ran out of ‘time’ about twenty years ago appearance-wise (Black don't crack). I’ve seen remarks lauding white celebrities for their boyish/girlish looks when in reality they appear to be twice as old as you or I. By the way, your words are too kind.

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  3. I am not liking the Tauriel arc, from what I've heard of it. God, TWO guys in love with her? *rolls eyes* And she rises from humble beginnings to be ~better than all the boys~ and SO badass that only her ~heart~ gets her in trouble. I am so sick of het romance.

    Hey, Peter Jackson - tokenism = / = representation. I can't identify with a thin white woman who goes whizzing through the forest with all the guys drooling after her.

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    1. SO badass that only her ~heart~ gets her in trouble.

      Wait...is that what's supposed to happen? 'Cause hell naw.

      Hey, Peter Jackson - tokenism = / = representation. I can't identify with a thin white woman who goes whizzing through the forest with all the guys drooling after her.

      *dead*

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    2. I mean, god, if they wanted to put some women into the movie, why not write in the Dwarrowdams? I'd love to see Dís, daughter of Thráin, on the big screen. (Also, since a lot of the Dwarvish women's decorations in the first movie were based on traditional Jewish women's headcoverings, I am SO THERE.)

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  4. "Great things happen to a character when they're not rolling in privilege."

    I may have to lift this from you.
    And thanks for saving me 14$. I'd only want to see Tauriel and her Dwarf now.

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  5. Y'all, where did all the pretty white boys go? I mean, if you're gonna shove a shit-ton of vanillacentric media down our throats, could you at least have the decency to acquire some attractive specimens? This is some repugnant shit."


    THANK YOU!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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