The Sexpiration Date

As I mentioned on the Blasian Narrative, I've been spending my Saturday evenings at the 429, a weekly event here in Houston that's pretty interesting.  Though it is a Christian event, I am not a Christian, and quite frankly, I don't think religion is the point.  Because what is preached from the platform is often highly entertaining, brilliantly formatted common sense that's apparently not so common.

The 429 has a different topic every month; June was Battle of the Sexes months, and relationships were discussed all month long.  Some of the issues and advice really got me thinking about the topics we talk about here and on the Black Girls Club.

One pastor preached abstinence before marriage because premarital sex is a sin.  Ironically, he provided a lot of psychological information and sociological data in his sermon (in fact, I'm actually caught off guard whenever he finally mentions Jesus).  I, of course, don't think it's a sin, but I think that he might be onto something.  Here and at TBGC, female commenters have repeatedly stated they're avoiding dating.  The quality of dateable men has declined, as has male respect for women (and vice versa).  Female commenters complain constantly about male shallowness and increased focus on sex.  Across the web, the chant is "chivalry's dead".

Christians have a way of making sex seem oh-so-sexy and forbidden, don't they?  All that talk of sin and forbidden stuff and hellfire and temptation doesn't really do much to deter folks.  In fact, it tends to have an opposite effect.  That being said, they're still onto something.  Whenever people go on dates, one person is wondering, "Dear God...all he/she probably wants is sex."  And quite predictably, the other person is impatiently wondering, "So when do we get to the sex?"

Take sex off the menu (for now, anyway)

If you're looking for a casual fling, that's one thing.  But if you're looking for something long-term, then maybe it's best to be honest up front about the long-term goals and expectations, and explain how you intend to achieve them, notably by taking sex off the table until a firm commitment's been established.  It doesn't have a damn thing to do with God, so don't frame in a religious sense.  Frame it in the very human, very practical sense: you ain't gettin' none.  Period.

Some people - men in particular - have argued about the "control" factor, saying it's a person's (read: woman's) way of running the relationship.  Mm-hm.  Then break up.  If it's not for you, then get the hell on.

The key is to stick to your guns.  Don't let the fear of being dumped or dying alone weaken your resolve.  Sex is straight-up infamous for ruining things.  A bad performance from someone you don't know that well can bring a potentially good relationship to a screeching halt.  So it's actually logical to hold off on doin' the dirty while you do other crazy stuff like learn things about each other, meet each other's friends and family members, inspect each other's homes, taste each other's cooking, talk about educational and occupation goals, and actually fall in love - you know...frivolous, mindless, useless stuff like that.

Now, I'm well aware I'm not saying anything new, and if the 429 audience's reaction was any indication, this sort of suggestion does not go over well.  I myself flinched when I first heard it, but after weeks of pondering it over, I thought..."Why not?"

When the ways of the so-called modern world become too complicated, people look to traditions and customs to sort of reset themselves, and putting sex on delay is a time-honored tradition.  To be clear, I'm not saying staple your knees together until the honeymoon.  I'm just saying idiotic cliches like "the third-date rule" need to go.  In short, if you're looking for something serious, lose the sexpiration date.  Plotting and planning for when and how it's "supposed" to happen is simply courting disaster.

Now, if you're in college, where everything is fleeting and unpredictable whatever you want (safely, of course).  But for those of you who are working regularly, thinking about homes, kids, putting money in savings, and all that grown folks' stuff, then the muffin and sausage shops need to close.  It's time to have grown-up conversations about school debt, occupational goals, cultural compatibility, and (realistic) expectations.

"I want to be in love the next time I have sex"

This is a great mantra, and not in a cliched, naive, VC Andrews sort of way.  It's a great prerequisite to set for yourself (after all, people in love - with each other, of course - supposedly have the best sex).  If you don't love 'em, don't give 'em any.  And be up front about this prerequisite: if I can't fall in love with you, we won't be having sex.

I can only imagine how great a weeding tool this is.  Thoughts, bar patrons?


  1. Too true. When I realized that I wanted love and not sex, I was more willing to wait for the right person. In my earlier youth, I thought I was strange because I was not having sex, but now that I know myself I refuse to let the mainstream, religious or secular, dictate what my sexuality should look like.

    Premarital sex is not a sin. It is just better for people to be honest about their expectations and desires. If waiting is better for you...wait. It is not about the upper hand, but being in tune with yourself. You know what you need from another person and just as we are not willing to compromise when it comes to education, career or finances why compromise our relationships?

  2. And there are people who question me why I haven't done it yet. (Americans) Oddly the Koreans don't question me about it if they find out and they are very positive about it. I asked K one day if it was strange and he said no and that I am just waiting for the right one.

    I know in the first 30 seconds if I even like someone let alone want to sleep with them.

    1. Traditional, Old World folks aren't going to question you on something like this. They still have sense.

  3. As usual, you speak all KINDS of truth and more people should think about it, or at least go into things with their eyes and not just their legs open. I think one BIG problem is that a LOT of people think that as long as they wait X number of days, sex=relationship and it simply does not.

    I think that not enough people spend enough time learning the important details that you mentioned, even when they put in the "time." When one of my friends got engaged, she got this book that kind of broke down a lot of things that people forget to think about and discuss as they get caught up in the romance and what not. And honestly, the things she mentioned should be discussed if you are considering a real relationship with anyone, and it was discussions about values and beliefs and male and female roles (I mean, if the ways that you view "man" vs. "woman" are residing in different centuries, you need to get out). And a lot of the screening doesn't go beyond the basic resume, which is ridiculous for someone that you are contemplating investing a good bit of time, if not the rest of your life, in.

    I agree with Llama, and also certainly don't think that premarital sex is a sin. But drop the sin part, and I can see how the people running that even were telling a truth that a lot of people need to hear.

    1. The problem with many folks is that when they're say, 32 or 42 and still dating, they want to have 22-year-old conversation. They use dating to feel young and free of responsibility, or like reality TV stars on their own show.

      Nope. We all have buckle down and get serious sometimes.

  4. Great post Ankh
    "I want to be in love the next time I have sex"
    That is exactly what I said to myself at the end of 2009. And it worked, it's amazing how much clearer your head and heart is once you stop giving uncaring, unloving men access to your lady parts. In fact, the next time I did nave sex 11 months later, it was a really easy, friendly no hassle or mindgame scenario( until he realised I really couldn't be played and it freaked him out having no power hook in my life and so he started with the microaggressions- so i simply and swiftly locked him off cold and clean and illuminated exactly why, he still kept trying to hooler all apologetic up to a year later! Didn't realise he had it so good! ha!). I met the man i'm currently truly in love with a month later. My perfect match just walked into my life. Being celibate kept all of my energy for myself,and i wasn't attempting to use sex to fill the lack of love, because I had more than enough for myself and from the really important people in my life. I could really focus on what i wnated and needed and most of the men you meet are broken and closed off and really don't love themselves or want to share even a tiny bit of themselves during sex, i can always tell and I know because I am completely smitten with me and it comes across in everything I do. I swear, some of my best times in bed haven't been the most mind blowing tecnically, but the intimacy and sense of sharing ourselves was there and those are the ones i remember. That is the experience i want to have EVERY time I have sex for the rest of my life. It can work, take the time to get to know each other and explore the full aspects of love, sex is the easy part to achieve, but it's magical loving someone for making you feel like a fifteen year old cos they leapt into a garden to steal some flowers for you!

  5. I'm a Christian (one of those real ones)and I don't thing premarital sex is a sin. It all depends on how sacred one holds sex to be.

    That being said, I love this post. People need to be honest about what they want. It's like as soon as they introduce themselves, the next thing they say is, "I want a woman/man who I can love and build a relationship with..." I'm like, it's too soon to even say something like that. Everybody's looking for a fucking shortcut, and for something like love and "meaningful" sex, ya need to have a crock-pot mentality. Slow the hell down and figure out what it is you really want, and don't be afraid to share that with potential daters.

    1. Exactly. State it bluntly without being emo. Just be real: I'm not doing this because of some misguided fantasy or social perception. This is great way to weed out the worthless. It's a call to all-comers with A-Game.

      B-Game and C-Game need not apply.

    2. Co-signing on my twin's comment. One of the biggest problems is men don't know what the fuck they want. They will swear up and down they do and when they get offered it, they still fuck it up. The other issue at hand is that men have this fucked up mentality about sex. They think if they sleep with someone on the first date or if there's no challenge or what the fuck ever excuse, they don't think they're wife/partner material. Never mind the fact if said wife/partner is a virgin until their wedding night, the men will still go fuck someone on the side but they can't wrap their heads around sexuality at all.

      I think for those looking for something meaningful, slowing things down and maybe delaying sex will filter out a lot of gamers and little boys.

  6. I have a you think that having sex makes some women hold on for dear life to people that they really should let go of? As if they think that they somehow have something worth "fighting for" when in reality they just have a guy who sleeps with them and does little else.

    B/c I feel as though I'll heard my friends and acquaintances justify all kinds of ways that people are showing them that they don't care about them, and then if I say, that does'nt sound like he even cares, they'll launch into how they aren't just going to throw away what they "have" even though what they "have" sounds about as appealing as appendicitis.

    I mean, if someone is really worthy, it just shouldn't be so stressful, and you won't have to wonder if they'll call, if they'll disappear for weeks at a time. How could anyone call a man like that a boyfriend and keep letting him into her bed?

    So do you think that the women who can list off a bunch of offenses and transgressions that make your heart and head hurt just listening to them make it easier to walk away if they keep their legs closed? B/c I kind of think they would, since it makes too many people overly invested in garbage men. I can't listen to one more woman insist that insists the need to fight for a man that has been neglecting her unless he wants sex just b/c she's been sexing with him for a year.

    1. I have a you think that having sex makes some women hold on for dear life to people that they really should let go of?

      YES. In addition to being infamous for ruining things, sex is notorious for screwing with judgment. And it's not just women: remember Dalia Dippolito? She was screwing her man so well he never stopped to wonder everything was so "easy".

    2. YES YES YES and even more so, HELL YES!

      These are women who cling desperately to the myth. They've given up the cookies early on. By that time, the man has already decided what kind of woman he's with and deals accordingly. But she, equating some bastardized form of love with sex, feels like there is a real relationship when all it ever was is sex. I've heard way too many guys tell me that if she gives it up quick for him, then she'll do it with any guy, and they're not about to marry an easy woman. But since they don't have to put forth any work to get the pussy, they hang around.

      Imma need for my sisters to get their shit together, get their heads out of the sand and stop believing the hype.

    3. I experienced this with the last guy I dated. I put up with way too much because I craved the intimacy. The break-up kind of traumatized me because when it happened I realized how weak and insecure I had been. I've been celibate ever since, and it will stay that way until I 1/ gain true confidence and self esteem to not let that happen again (and we all know how important that factor is) and 2/ I meet someone really worthy of my time.
      I will definitely follow the mantra mentioned above.

    4. @Ankh, yes, I've seen that story dramatized on a LOT of shows. I still fall out watching her pretend to be upset when they tell her that her husband is dead.

      Ugh, I'm home today and I've seen two cases on those court TV shows with women fighting with no account men that they started giving things to so they didn't have to sleep alone. One gave the man a van to use, and in court he did nothing but insult her, all black women, and claim that he never touched her, and a second actually bailed some convict out of jail and now is trying to recoup her money.

      So sad...

  7. I concur! Don't worry about a Sexpiration Date! Focus on finding somone that cares about you and that you care about in return.
    Life is too short to keep giving small pieces of yourself away.


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