The Rite of Passage


Um....No...We Can't Be Friends

Ever since I read this post on Lifeisannoying's blog, I've been scratching my head as to where I should post this.  The Blasian Narrative?  The Black Girls' Club?

Then I realized that this was one of those things which affects POC all across the spectrum, especially ones in predominantly white areas, and thus this post belonged at the Bar.  I'm talking about the white tendency to randomly reject POC, and I'm wondering if it's some sort of white rite of passage.

Now, before I continue, understand that if you - a person of color - physically and/or verbally express interest in a white person and you get rejected...*shrug*...tough shit.  Rejection is a part of life and you always run the risk of getting a "no" whenever you put yourself out there.  At some point, given enough time, everyone gets a "no", and how they handle that "no" is a testatement of their character.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about when a white person you've expressed absolutely no interest in takes it upon themselves to randomly tell you they're not attracted to you/members of your ethnicity.  I'm bringing this up because it happens, it happens a lot, and I don't think we've really addressed it here at the Bar.

Peep this from Lifeisannoying:
Hanne is a very ‘nice’ Danish girl. She has a penchant for high fashion, wine, woman and dirty jokes, of course we got on like a house on fire, apart from the part where she’s a lesbian we are the same person. So at a party attended by our mutual friends we ended up at the bar, telling many a tale and joking with some random Barflies. Hanne bless her is many straight man’s fantasy lesbian, tall, skin like milk, raven haired and quite filthy, funnily enough she detest when people make assumstions about her, her desire and her sexuality. So was taken a back when she suddenly announced

“oh Lifeisannoying, you are the perfect woman but I’m not attracted to you and the only black lady i’d be with is Kelly Rowland”


We just been tearing up the dancefloor to Kaiser Chiefs with about 4/5 other people. I really have not idea why she felt the disclaimer was necessary, I was in her own words ‘the only one in our group who hasn’t tried to use me to experiment’ so why the disclaimer? I just literally took a second to digest it. I was cordial in reply ‘Hanne? whats wrong with you? I’m not interested in you’ she smiled broadly* and held up her glass. I wasn’t sure what the hell just happened. I’d gone for a quick drink with friends and somehow been rejected by someone to whom i hadn’t made an advance?
Last I checked, Lifeisannoying is not gay (she may very well come on here and correct me, but all her posts leading to this one have been about her heterosexual dating life).  So why does her white lesbian friend have to make a point of saying, "I'm not attracted to you"?  What point was she trying to make?  Exactly was she trying to achieve in that moment?  White folks need to understand that there's a difference: rejecting someone who comes onto you is well within your rights.  Rejecting someone "just 'cause", however, is simply annoying.  Lifeisannoying provides another such scenario:
Two weeks later (last night) i was chatting to a particularly Camp Group of Am-Dram colleagues (it’s good to have a hobby) when we were just arsing around in the village hall. I started a ticklefight with Sam (schoolfriend) i could honestly see how other people could misconstrue it but Sam? That was irritation and hurtful.

He cornered me as i was leaving and gave speech about “you are lovely person, but i’m just not attracted to black women. I just don’t find them physically attractive….” he was quite an orator & surely could give Obama a run for his money #sarcasm . For crying out loud it was a ticklefight! I’ve know him for about 20 years, if i wanted him i bloody well would have cashed in by now.
You know...reading this reminded me of a great post from Dirty Red way back when:
When a White man says that he is not attracted to Black women; that he has never seen a Black woman that he would date or even have a quickie with; does he mean just what he is saying, or is there another meaning under what he said?

I ask this because a White dude told me that yesterday. And in his defense he named off several Black men we work with that don't date Black women either.

...But there was something in this dudes tone that told me he meant something else.

Instead of hearing 'I am not attracted to Black women'; alls I heard was 'I don't really like niggers. I am only talking to you because we work together and I need to keep my job.. If we didn't and I saw you out in the street on fire, I wouldn't piss on you to put you out.'
I'm with Dirty Red; I hear the same thing.  For me, this would cue the end of our "friendship".  Lifeisannoying is one of those nice, patient POC who apparently forgives this type of bullshit which, for me, would end a friendship regardless of how well we knew one another, or how long.  I would take these incidents as a clear-cut sign from the gods to stop talking to these people.

White folks aren't the only ones who perpetuate racism; we help them.  When we smile and hug them after they say things like this us, with their bullshit disclaimers and flat-out no-pologies, we're telling them that this type of racist behavior is perfectly acceptable to POC, and by all means...continue.

Some white folks think that because they have friends of color who won't date white people, they're somehow not racist, and that it's all perfectly okay.  That's not friendship.  That's racial insurance.**  White folks tend to use "friends" like these as an excuse to continue thinking as they always have and feeling justified.

Lesson the first: when white people don't want to date POC, it's usually because they think POC are inferior.  Granted, a few avoid relationships with POC because they know they couldn't stand the social and familial backlash.

When POC don't want to date white people, however, it's usually out of self-defense.  Granted, some POC genuinely do believe whites are inferior.  I've seen a steadily increase online in gleeful references to white genetic recessitivity and the negative birth rates in Europe, along with a new random slur for white folks almost every week, most of which I usually don't recognize the first few times around (e.g., took me forever to understand what "cave wookie" meant).

We've briefly discussed this before.  When POC choose to date anyone under the sun except white folks, it's typically because we don't want to run the risk of rolling over in bed one day and realizing we've spent the past X amount of time being intimately involved with a racist.  We don't aim to be the next Nita Hanson or Halle Berry.  By the same token, it's also the reason more countries of color are cracking down and trying get their citizens to adopt their own orphans, rather then ship them abroad to white parents.

*Sure "Hanne" smiled, but she wasn't happy.  The point of rejecting someone like this isn't to be rejected right back.  The point is to hurt, upset, and overall humble the other person.  I've noticed how white folks stiffen and clam up when I - a far less courteous woman than Lifeisannoying - bluntly respond with, "I'm not remotely attracted to you either.  I don't know where you got the impression I was interested, I don't know what you were snorting, 'cause the truth is, I wouldn't even fuck you with someone else's pussy."

**Which is another thing.  If you're white, and you find yourself talking to a POC who openly refuses to date white people, understand that from that moment on, you two will not be "friends."  You might think of them as your justification, as your racial insurance, even as your "friend" but ask yourself what they're actually saying.  Ask yourself just where you really rank in their world, and if they'd honestly shed a tear at your funeral...or even show up.


  1. Lifecoaster5/3/12, 3:25 PM

    Smh. They always think everyone wants them and are so shocked when it's not the case. They like the idea you liking them but not you personally. And if one is not secure in oneself it can cause problems.

  2. I worked with this white guy who always felt a need to tell black women the same thing: I don't date black women/I'm not attracted etc. Turns out someone at the job that knew him told us that he had been rejected by black women quite a bit and he always threw that statement out to black women!

    I just genuinely don't care what white folks think of me *Shrugs*

  3. Honestly, what self-centered people; trying to put black people in their place by preemptively rejecting us as if that is anything new and we are so hungry for their approval.

    I wish they would just collectively have a big shattered pedestal type moment.

    1. Well, you'd THINK that the pedestal would shatter for the women especially when they hit 30 and start aging in dog years. But somehow they are able to pretend that we age just as badly as they do. Only every time I have a high school or college reunion, I know that those mugs think I must have my own picture of Dorian Gray hidden up an attic, and when I show people pictures, they refuse to believe that the people next to me were actually my classmates (b/c to quote one guy, "there is no way you went to kindergarten with X b/c he is at least 57...").

      They are very delusional.

      What I wonder with the white men who feel the need to say that is at what point in history have black women ever been begging for YOUR attention. Tell me, oh great white man, what the hell you have that you think we want? B/c I don't recall hearing that stereotype...chasing after men who historically like to take/steal things that belong to others.

    2. What I wonder with the white men who feel the need to say that is at what point in history have black women ever been begging for YOUR attention. Tell me, oh great white man, what the hell you have that you think we want?

      Million-dollar question. What a lot of white folks refuse to accept is that for POC - despite centuries of invasion, colonization, and enslaved mentality - other POC are most often the first choice. And not just POC from their own ethnic groups, but POC...period. Over on the Narrative, it seems like one Black woman after the other will date any guy from anywhere, as long as he's not white. I experience the same thing in real life. MOC are the simply first choice for most straight WOC.

      So when random white dudes pull this ish, I'm too confused to be offended. In WV for example, Black people make up 3% or so of the population. So when a white dude pulled this up there, I had to laugh sometimes. 1) There were no Black women to chase them, and in the gay community, Black lesbians openly preferred other Black lesbians.

      2) Most of the advanced degree-holding professional women I worked with in WV were Black. We were the cosmopolitan ladies, with our big-city relatives. We had the nicest clothes, the most fashionable hairdos, the newest cars, the fatter salaries, and the best apartments. In short, if you were a white dude from the country and you met a Black city gal willing to date you, you were lucky. Because if you married her, you were marrying up.

    3. In short, for many straight Black women, marrying a white guy is often considered the last resort; a Final Solution, if you will. If for some reason you can't get a Black/Asian/Latino/Indigenous guy, then you bite the bullet and settle for a white guy.

      Granted, a Black woman can mess up and miss out on a good guy with that mentality, but in the meantime, white guys need to stop thinking they're on the same desirability level as white girls - they're not. A white girl can spend a whole day rejecting men of color - and some do. A white guy on the other hand, isn't having the same experience and needs to quit posing.

  4. *flips the bird with both hands*

  5. I've mentioned part of my opinion on " Life's" weblog,but I will still say that those people are so stuck on themselves. God, those guys really think they are hot stuff.

  6. White men lust after us we certainly do not chase them. They feel the beef to tell us that they do not date us because they fear rejection. That and men sometimes want what they can not have more than what is easiest to obtain.

  7. I've had this experience with a non-white Latin man. He's always mentioning to me that he'd never date black woman because of our "attitudes." Our college is predominately African American, but no woman of any color is lining up for him, especially not us. He's unattractive and downright creepy.

  8. I'm noticing a lot of POC on tumblr, twitter, and the blogging community rebelling against whiteness big time. On tumblr there is a blog called "Damn Lay Off The Bleach!" It's for POC who are sick and tired of characters of color being lightened/whitewashed. I think people are just fed up to be honest with you. We're surrounded by whiteness. White folks are on everything. From cereal boxes to a summer's eve douche box, it's white, white, white..

    I've learned a lot from being here at the Bar, the Narrative and the Black Girls Club. It's almost as though POC are collectively flippin' the bird like Amaya. LOL!

    1. Nicole said…
      "I think people are just fed up to be honest with you. We're surrounded by whiteness. White folks are on everything. From cereal boxes to a summer's eve douche box, it's white, white, white..."

      If you have cable; start from the lowest position on your dial and scan with your remote. The number of non-white faces you come across most of the time can be counted on one hand; especially in the morning and on Sundays. Infomercials, nature shows, documentaries and the like is rift with white faces. There is not a nature show that doesn't have a white male host- or narrator in it. You've got Nat Geo- the Military channel- TLC and Spike TV; augmented by the Travel Channel, G4 TV and the History (Hitler) channel. Most could be grouped together as part of the White Male Television Network.

      Whites tend to give us the standard White-splanation that there are more of them than there is of us- so naturally this explains the disproportionate numbers. However, there are simply more whites with power in media programming who regard whiteness as the de facto standard; moreover this group-think tends to trickle all the way down to the local network affiliates. If whites had their way there'd be no minorities in mainstream programming at all; just whites in black and brown face.

      What some of the alleged Indian commenters (who claim they weren't offended) seem to be missing is that in situations where an actor of color might be cast for a commercial- or movie; whites would prefer a reasonable facsimile instead. Moreover the white person's interpretation of a character of color will be considered more genuine than if you hired the real McCoy. Just splash enough brown paint around indiscriminately and whites could have their very own Bollywood right here in the states; similar to the American version of sumo wrestling.

      With every new sitcom- situation comedy or cop drama, the lineup keeps getting whiter and whiter and whiter. Someone is buying this programming and it sure ain't us. It has nothing to do with numbers and everything to do with preference.

    2. Leo Princess5/4/12, 10:07 AM

      "On tumblr there is a blog called "Damn Lay Off The Bleach!" It's for POC who are sick and tired of characters of color being lightened/whitewashed."

      *tracks down, clicks 'Follow'* Trust me, I was stunned then incensed when I saw how Nadia of Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water went from dark-skinned to lighter than peaches-and-cream over time. Especially since the character is supposed to be African. I guess folks took that to mean Afrikaner. *side-eye*

      And, oh...white folks can keep the Summer's Eve douche boxes, man! I'm not even mad! =D

    3. I think I'm going to check out that blog you're talking about.

      "Sick and tired" are adjectives in how I feel about our society. You're right, I'm one of those people that are fed up and I'm just bored with it. Though I find any man of any race to be attractive, I just find Black , non-White or White ethnics to be more attractive partly because Whiteness has been overplayed.I wish that some one would throw that up in my face. I will do my best to crush their inflated egos.

  9. In short, for many straight Black women, marrying a white guy is often considered the last resort; a Final Solution, if you will. If for some reason you can't get a Black/Asian/Latino/Indigenous guy, then you bite the bullet and settle for a white guy.

    Or be content in your singleness. But that'd be too much like right. Or maybe it's just me.

  10. I agree with the others that the chase factor is at play. These folks don't want us but they demand us to chase after them anyway so they can get off on having the power to reject them.

    This happens too often in the gay "community" where white gays will scream from the rooftops how they won't go near those icky nigrahs and then they flip their shit if I don't talk to them online on a dating site or tell them that works out perfectly because I'm not attracted to them. Because the uppity nigrahs rejecting them isn't supposed to be how it is. We're supposed to chase after them like Jacob Black chases after Bella Swan only to continuously be rejected for Sparkles, the pasty stalker.

    That's almost as bad as the certain white guys who "only date" black men. Only they don't date black men or men of color because they are naturally attracted to us or see us as human beings (because that would be awesome), no it's because they're repulsive physically and personality-wise and no white boy will touch them so they think POCs are just about ready to kill themselves for an opportunity to get some white boy ass (no matter how trollishly decrepit). So when I politely tell them that I'm not interested, you would think I assaulted one of their pets, the way they act. And of course when the uppity Negro has to tell their bitchass that they pull in far better hotties (white and POC alike), they about have a conniption.

    I've also seen this dynamic play out as far as being queer male goes as well. For some fucking reason many straight men (and shocker usually but not always white), have it in their heads that because I'm gay I secretly want to sleep with them. And it's never a good-looking straight guy who can actually argue how their milkshake brings all the (gay) boys to the yard. It's always the ugliest motherfucker on the planet talking that bullshit.

    I was work one day and I was chatting with a friend and this straight guy (who you couldn't pay me to fuck) announced that he was completely straight and he and I hooking up wasn't going to happen. To which I replied, "It's okay. You're totally safe. I'm only into guys that are actually hot."

    Real talk, I thought that motherfucker was about to break down in tears. I'm not exaggerating.

  11. Sigh...I've also been dealing with a special breed of this fuckery. My boyfriend's sister is dating a black guy. My boyfriend is white. This dude LOVES LOVES LOVES to tell me in front of her how much he prefers long hair on women (I wear a short natural), and how he could never date a black woman because we are " loud, unfeminine, etc..." Mind you, I've been asked by my boyfriend's mother to not "dress up" when coming to family functions as it causes the other female relatives to feel self concious. Yes, this really happened. I can.not.make.this.shit.up. It speaks more to their (white) insecurity that they need to diminish, or better yet, have a black male diminish the fabulousness of a black woman in order to feel better about themselves. I wonder then, how "superior" is the so called superior race if they are so doubtful of their own self-worth?

    1. Kymie, I hope you told him to surf a tidal wave of hot dicks, and I also hope you ignored his mother. In fact, I hope you shoved that shit down her throat by dressing to the nines whenever you go to family functions. I would relish every inch of that shit by making SURE I kept it tight enough to make those other bitches drool with envy. Motherfuckers.

      I hope that you and your have an honest enough relationship where you know exactly where your man stands in regards to this hate..

    2. Hi Amaya,

      Sigh...Oh, they know how he feels about their nasty behavior...which is why they make sure to tell me this noise when he's not in the room. (Which, to me, just shows another level of their disrespect/insecurity(?)) You better believe I don't dress down. I don't even think I have the capability to do so...Overall, (and this may be a sign of my poor character) all their snide remarks just make me feel better about myself. I know that my presence in their domain prickles their skin like boiling water and I relish in the jealousy. :D

    3. Then we both have poor character because that's just fucking awesome!

  12. truthbetold5/4/12, 11:05 AM

    K, I find it funny that white men believe we'd chase their penises. Why have pink when brown is more pleasing to the eyes?
    It's quite a laugh when I tell them that I'm not interested.
    The look on their faces is best described as Righteous Indignation.

    I no longer have white friends, male or female by my own doing. The shit they'd say to my face, expecting me to agree with them...

    1. They kill me when they name a white person and expect me to agree that X white woman is the most beautiful thing ever. Sorry, but the most beautiful things to my eyes are reflections of myself and my ancestors. They think that b/c they ram the European beauty myth down our throats that we all digest it the same way.

    2. truthbetold5/4/12, 4:42 PM

      Ever see that pained look on their faces when you aren't impressed with them? HA!

  13. Whites NEED Black people to feel inferior and wanted by is they who desire and want us. How many actually know that?

    1. truthbetold5/4/12, 10:58 PM

      That's why they interject themselves on black based blogs.

    2. They must HATE being filtered out here when they try to lob insults b/c you know that in most other communities, they are free to insult us at will and virtually shout us out of their conversations about us.

  14. I really enjoyed this, you are so right... Way too polite. :-)


This blog is strictly moderated. Everyone is now able to comment again, however, all Anonymous posts will be immediately deleted. Comments on posts more than 30 days old are generally dismissed, so try to stay current with the conversations.