The CSR Diaries: Office Evaluations

Neo-Prodigy returns.


The following job evaluation is one I wrote for my old call center job a few years back. Even after getting the memo, things got worse. Suffice it say, I gave those bastards my walking papers and kept it moving.

Dear Office,

As we close in on our one year anniversary, it pains me to say that you have been fucking up something fierce.

Do you see Ben's face? Ben is very disappointed. He's not happy that I'm so upset. And while I could forgive the fact that you're willfully obtuse over the fact that this is arguably one of the most demoralizing soul-sucking jobs ever created, your entitled asses expecting me to drink from your kool-aid is too much to bear.

However, all is not lost. Here are some steps YOU can take to make the work atmosphere almost more tolerable, or at the bare minimum will help me reconsider bringing the 12-gauge to work.

-Shut the fuck up.

If it's not work-related, don't speak. Don't ask me about my day. Don't ask me about my weekend. Don't ask me about my personal life. And stop trying to start a conversation with me just because you're bored and you want someone to talk to. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ADMIT THAT YOU KNOW YOU'RE ANNOYING ME. I can only fake so much insincerity in a day and I have to reserve it for the agents. You keep on, I'm gonna be forced to be honest with you. And I'm gonna make you cry.

-Leave me the fuck alone.

If you see me sitting alone at lunch every day feverishly typing away with my headphones on, does it look like I want to be disturbed? I don't need you sitting next to me or trying to strike up a conversation or make small talk. Now I admit, I probably dropped the ball on my end in not making more abundantly clear that I have no interest in you as a human being. I promise that in the future, I will make that more abundantly clear.

-(Thanks RVCBard) Your job, learn you some.

I'm not your one-man Wikipedia for you to reference because you're too fucking lazy to do the same job I'm doing. Unless you're going to break me off a piece of that paycheck, then we can talk.

-You don't get to tell me to smile or be happy.

When I get dicked over on accounts, get cussed out for doing my gawd damn job and I decide to leave early when Resource Management offers voluntary time off, when we're slammed and you're sending out bitchass memos telling us to do more work, you don't get to spew your bile about how I should be happy or how wonderful this company is. I mean seriously? Are you fuckers even human? It's by the grace of God, I haven't snapped. You don't get to abuse someone and then tell them to be grateful about it. So if I don't have a fucking smile on my face, leave it be. Or not. Continue to tell me to smile or be happy. But if you get punched in the throat with brass knuckles, I don't want to hear any whining to H.R. or the D.A.

-I will continue to take shortcuts.

You continuously change policies to make our job more difficult with no reason or logic behind it. Every time it is expressed to you how bass ackwards said policies and procedures are, you shrug your shoulders. After all, it's not like you're doing our job, at all. And when things do go south, we're the ones to suffer. Not you, us. So I will continue to take shortcuts.

-We're not friends.

How many times have we sat together at lunch? How many times have you called me? Do you have my number? No. This is a place of business. And here I'm all business. I do my job, I collect my paycheck, and I go home. And unless you're one of the four guys at work that I seriously want to bang six ways to Sunday, I'm not interested. So again stop asking me about my personal life, my interests or sharing your life story. If I didn't ask, I didn't want to know. If I didn't disclose it with you, you weren't meant to know.

-Stop with the bullshit attempts to boost morale.

I'm not going out on a court to play basketball. I'm not participating in your dumbass contests. I'm not expending anymore energy than I have to. In other words, if you want to boost morale, how about tackling the grievances we've been bringing to your attention time and time and time and time again. Or at the very least make an attempt.

-Don't ask me for my honest opinion.


-You don't get to demand my loyalty or respect.

Any interest with staying with the company were shot to hell on your part. I'm only staying long enough to collect a paycheck and burn through vacation time. After that, I'm moving on first chance I get.


Dear co-workers, if we have downtime and I'm typing an article and writing in my notepad, I don't need you putting my business out on blast with "HEY DENNY? ARE YOU WRITING A BOOK?!!!" so gawd-damn loud that they can hear you in three states.

If I'm reading an article or a job posting, I don't need you looking over my shoulder and bellowing "HEY DENNY, IS THAT A JOB POSTING?!!!!" That shit is not cool. Furthermore, why the fuck is you all up in my business in the first gawd damn place?

Nosy motherfuckers.

I've really tried very hard to be nice and kind and polite and invisible. To fly below the radar. But you all seem hellbent on bringing out the old me.

Now just like any other job evaluation, I suppose I should point out the positives, I guess.

1) Excused unpaid option: genius. Though I have no doubt you'll find a way to fuck that up.

2) Sitting me next to the two really hawt guys at work. AWESOME! And if that third one could walk past my desk more often: GOLD.

3) You know before this job, I used to be all about making money. Working overtime, double overtime, triple overtime, there wasn't much that I valued more than a fat paycheck. Let me just thank you for breaking me of that and for teaching me that some things in life are far more important than money. Such as my mental health and my self respect.

So I'm going to leave now and polish the resume, submit some job applications and spend some quality time with Benjy.

Please review this evaluation carefully and do work on your failures. Otherwise I'm gonna no other option than to go Ryan Atwood on your ass.


  1. Wow... I think I'm really lucky to have never worked in an office job like you have. I've always gotten work outside and stuff...

  2. UNLEASH THE FUCKING DRAGON, NEO! *slaps five over cyberspace*

    I work at a school, which is CSR from an entirely different perspective...and EVERY LAST ONE OF THESE APPLY!!!

    I shall write you a check for 2/3s of the Internet.

  3. Real talk....

    In CSR world, I don't even know why they bother with evaluations. We all know what they're looking for: achievers. Folks who achieve. If you underachieve, you're going to be fired - duh. If you overachieve, you're going to be set up to be fired because they don't want to have to give you the bad news: Despite all the money you've made for the company and all the customers you've satisfied...there's no room for advancement. There's no money for a raise or well-earned bonuses. So you need to go, before you decide to sue your employer for wasting your time.

    1. Perla Buttons4/24/12, 10:06 PM

      My sister used to work the phones as a CSR for an international aid organisation. Everybody in the phone room there was packing at least a bachelor's degree or higher, hoping to advance to actual work on the NGO's projects. My sister has an international relations degree.

      You know how TPTB felt about their CSRs' aspirations? They resented the hell out of it. As my sister tells it, their resentment was overt. The fact that these folks with highly relevant qualifications and years of study to their name would want to advance beyond the phone room was so irritating, because they might have to find more applicants to fill the vacancies.

      Damn overachievers! They could have solved the "problem" by hiring people without aid-related qualifications, but that was somehow untenable.

  4. truthbetold4/24/12, 4:31 PM

    And here I thought I was alone in my thinking to bring an Uzi to work...


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