"...And That's Why I Don't Date"

Tami Harris (What Tami Said) recently guest-posted on Racialicious, talking about Tyrese & Co.  Many Black women came out to voice their opinions, and I saw in those comments what I saw in the comments on Madame Noire, and here when we had open mic night: a lot of Black women...prefer not to date.

And here I thought it was just me.  And Amaya.

I'm beginning to think this is one of the causes of the increased Black women-bashing.  Because if you're an independent, educated woman with lots of hobbies and ambitions, a desire to learn languages and see the world (and you're not too concerned with whether or not you ever get married), there are a lot of things to deter you from dating.  I won't go into all of them; in fact, I think we should all just pick one thing which makes dating itself unattractive.

As usual, I'll start.

For me, it's the "lines".  "Lines" have come a looooooong way from, "It's not you, it's me".  In fact, no man has ever said that to me.  Whether they're new, classic, or cliched to the pointing of agonizing, "lines" are a huge pet peeve of mine.  Say a "line" to me, and the date is over.  Your calls will not be received, and your texts will go unanswered - end of story.

"I have a lot of issues" (or some variation thereof)

First of all, since when did listing all the things that are wrong with you become sexy? Where was I when we voted on this?  Keep in mind, I tend to translate things whenever my dates try to spin me one.  For example:

"Depressed" = lazy.  I met a lot of "depressed" guys in college.  They were too depressed to go to class.  When school ended, they were too depressed to get a job.  When they asked me out they were too depressed to pay for anything.  They never had money for gas or bills, but they never failed to afford marijuana.  These were the dudes starring in their own straight-to-DVD, stare-right-at-it-and-still-miss-it indie flicks (complete with the tacky emo rock soundtrack).

"Some anger issues/Kinda psycho sometimes" = abusive.  If you have anger issues - male or female - you don't need to be dating.  Abuse comes in many forms, not just violence.  If you anger easily, punch holes into walls, get into fights, have any kind of record or restraining order, you need to take your ass off the dating market and get some help.

"In my own world a lot/Often kinda out of it" = druggie.  This is the acidhead, the coke-snorter, the heroin-shooter, and/or the pill-popper.  This is the one who will steal all your stuff, or pack coke into the trunk of your car without your knowledge, and then ask for a ride to see a "friend."

"I'm a wreck/I'm bad/I'm damaged" = the walking STD.  This is the one who expresses his issues by sleeping with anything that moves, then comes crying for forgiveness, sobbing about some meaningless childhood event, like the time in 6th grade he made out with a second or third cousin.

And while we're on the subject...who thought it was a good idea to turn first dates into therapy sessions?  Why take me out just to hold me hostage and ramble on about your problems?  Where was I when we voted on this????

"I can't always be what you want me to be."

Grammar 101, kids: a sentence is a written or spoken expression of a thought.  However, "I can't always be what you want me to be" is a non-thought.  It is not the coherent expression of an adult, mature or otherwise, disabled or not.  It is the chorus of every song ever sung by Simple Plan.  "I can't always be you want me to be" is what some spoiled rich white teenager spits at his parents right before he runs to his extra bedroom on the third floor of their suburbian semi-mansion.

"I can't always be what you want me to be" is the answer I often get when I tell a guy he's being an asshole.  News flash, folks, being in a shitty mood doesn't mean you can be a verbally abusive jerk.  You don't get a pass to treat other people like dirt just because you're unhappy about something.  If you're in a shit mood, then go somewhere to be alone and get your shit together, you know...like an adult.

"So my psycho ex-girlfriend...."

Somebody please tell why some men think bashing their exes is a great way to charm a date?  First of all...if every straight guy really did have a psycho ex (you know, the way so many claim to), this country would be crawling with wrist-cutting, rabbit-boiling anorexics.

Secondly, I tend to "translate" these lines too.  Men don't realize this, but by telling me your exes' complaints about you, you're letting me know the real you.  You're giving me references without even realizing it.

"They were all whores" = "I'm bad in bed.  I have trouble satisfying women, and they've made a point to let me know."

"They were all gold-diggers/materialists" = This line only works from dudes with actual money.  If you're a millionaire, I can understand the pain of dealing with gold-diggers.  But if you're a drummer, this line simply translates to, "My exes made more money than my broke ass, and I resented them for it."

"They were all really clingy" = "I don't do monogamy, or anything long-term."

"They were all really emotional" = "I don't do accountability.  If I ever make you angry or hurt you in any way, I will run and hide until it blows over."

"They were all cold-hearted bitches" = "I get dumped a lot.  Women are always leaving me."

...so think about that the next time you're on a date talking shit about the women in your life.

My point?  Lines bug me so much because words do have power.  How you choose them and how you use them lets a good listener know oh-so-much about you.  And if you're using lines, you're letting your listeners know that you ain't worth shit.

What about you, patrons?  *pauses...sips Jack and coke...continues*  What deters you from dating?  And not just you heteros - gays, lesbians, and bis who are sick of the game, I'm really curious to hear your thoughts on this as well.

Comments

  1. I'll be honest:

    I've never dated mostly by choice. However, part of me was not the kind to pursue women, but to BE pursued by women. When I was in high school and college I noticed my friends had girls approached them and visit them. I wasn't so lucky. The only time a girl visited me was if she wanted a picture drawn.

    For a while, I wondered why. I realized that I really didn't want to date. The truth was (and is) that I'm not not into dating, and that my true nature was to be a lone wolf. I enjoy solitude. That, and women sort of make me nervous.

    To me dating's no big deal. Sex is no big deal. However, self-improvement is a big deal. Learning how to treat each other is a big deal. Learning the truth is a big deal. You get the idea.

    Dating and relationships are complicated as hell, and sex makes it harder than calculus. However, they can be mastered...I think.

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  2. Girl...let me let this marinate for a bit before I respond. Because this requires very specific info.

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  3. Because this requires very specific info.

    Really?

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  4. To tell you the truth I don't know how much of what I say will make any sense to any one but, these are my reasons.The reason I don't date is because I believe that for a heterosexual girl in my age group(18-22) nobody expects you to want anything beyond just sex. The guys my age are still high on hormones and not really into being attached to somebody. Older guys it seems just use you because they figure you are young and wild and aren't looking to really connect or be in a relationship. So in either case if you are not into casual sex they tend to bounce pretty quickly and do their best to avoid you at all costs from then on. Then there's the odd chance that if you go into a casually sexual arrangement with somebody and you continue seeing other people suddenly they wanna get all possessive. The whole I don't wanna be your boyfriend,but I don't want you f**king somebody else thing doesn't work for me either. Oh and this is my fave scenario: when a girl wants to bypass all the confusion and tell the person they're seeing exactly what they want or don't want from them in terms of just sex or wanting a relationship...the other person becomes offended and accuses the girl of not being classy or not having self-respect. It's confusing and frustrating as hell. In the end it all comes down to my peace of mind vs how comfortable somebody else is with the idea of being with me or not. I choose my peace of mind every time. Being alone does not always mean loneliness.In my case it's me trying to be smart. Does that sound crazy?

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  5. No. You're not crazy. You're making perfect sense.

    Sweetie, it don't get better with age. When you reach my age group, men just want someone to cook, clean, and pay all the bills.

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  6. For the better part of my 20s, when it came to dating, I was of the school of Brian Kinney (my fellow Queer As Folk peeps will appreciate the reference).

    His philosophy: I don't believe in relationships or love, I believe in fucking. It's simple and efficient. You get the maximum amount of pleasure with the minimum of bullshit.

    I got burned more when I tried to date and have relationships than I did when I just hooked up. Say what you will, I had fun, not attachments and no BS.

    For all the problems that you will find in the straight world, it's a 1000x worse in the gay community.

    Forget meeting other people. I've told you how toxic many LGBTQ spaces are both online and in real life. Trust me when I say, that many of the ones who are out and proud, aren't exactly prizes. Many of them have their own horrors that they haven't dealt with yet, their own baggage. They numb themselves by drinking, getting high, and fucking the pain and the emptiness away. And of course lashing out on others because they want others to feel as bad as they do. And those aren't even the worse ones in this "community."

    And most of the guys in the "community" can easily fall in one of the categories you just mentioned.

    In fact, my ex qualified for all save 3 of them.
    There's a reason why there are countless queer people out there, you won't often find them out in the LGBTQ spots. Because it's far more toxic than many straight spaces.

    So meeting people, not holding my breath. At least in a bigger city, the odds are in your favor that you might me someone remotely sane but....don't hold your breath.

    And don't even get me started on the gamers. They flake, they don't know what they want.
    They say they want a serious monogamous relationship and you then catch them fucking around. Which ironically, I'd be fine with as long as you're up front about it. Or they will go on and on about how I'm the perfect guy they're looking for until they get bored and you don't hear from them for six months. And then when they pop up out of the blue, they're actually shocked when I don't even remember their name or heaven forbid am dating someone else or so not interested.

    And a line that's a killer for me. They don't know what they want/still trying to figure things out. IE: They're waiting for something better to come along and it's something other than you. Which I'm always amused because i already know they'll fuck that up too. Because my take is that if they don't appreciate a good thing when they got it, they won't when they get that "ideal."

    Which is why I'm always amused when they show up at my doorstep, just in time for me to slam it in their face.

    Would I like to have a special someone to spend my life with, definitely. Am I holding my breath. Hell to the no.

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  7. @Ankhesen, don't forget, they want someone to push out their babies (and do all of the associated work). You have to love the couples where the women carries most of the financial responsibility and still has to do all of the stuff at home too. And the assumption is that you are over 30, then you want all sex to result in a baby.

    I've definitely dealt with the people who refuse to be accountable by saying that they bounce when people get "too emotional." Unfortunately, I heard it at the end, not the beginning. They do you a HUGE favor when the spill that BS on first meeting. Some people are pretty good at pretending until they get comfortable.

    What is truly sad is that while I don't like always being solo, there are few people that I've met or that I know who make me regret that I am, and honestly, no one I know every DOES anything after they are married. So I always wonder, why is everyone so desperate to do it when they NEVER do anything again? I mean, in my mind I picture having someone who is willing to do at least some of the things that I like, but 98% of the people do nothing be stay home all of the time. Is marriage always so soul crushing?

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  8. 20 year old here. After 18 years of being single I tried dating and all I did was acquire more memories I'd rather forget.

    There was the ass who lied about his age, being a student, having a job, and oh yeah having a girlfriend. He got married within the year I told him to gtfo and forget my number. Apparently he needed a green card to. Then there was the dude who was really nice, but had no life goals. Man had the audacity to have no job and no future plans but bring up how his mama is pushing him to have kids soon. He was like 3 years older and I was still 19. I couldn't leave fast enough.

    After a while I began questioning myself as to why I only managed to attract these types of guys to begin with. But it's like someone else said, it's not necessarily that I like being constantly solo. But if my options are between me settling for assholes or enjoying my own company then I'm going to choose myself every time.

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  9. Perla Buttons12/2/11, 3:17 AM

    I'm circling the idea of dating again after a 5 year relationship ended mid this year. I'm 25.

    I now have high standards for respect, empathy, compatibility and non-foolery. I plan on sticking to them. It might take me a while to meet someone I really want in my life, but that's OK. I'm spending my time learning, growing and nurturing my relationships with family and friends. A partner or a date would just be a bonus.

    As I think I've mentioned at the bar before, I am seriously considering only dating MOC after dealing with a cowardly non-MOC with a casually racist family. Can't. Do it. Again. My wariness and my extensive screening program will complicate things and reduce the pool of suitable men, but that's fine.

    I'm allergic to passive-aggressive foolery. If you can't tell me exactly what you want, what your deal is, or what the problem actually is like a bloody adult, we can't date. I've dealt with a passive-aggressive SO before. It is a huge waste of time.

    I've met the "depressed" type before (haven't dated them). Having dealt with actual, major depression for almost a decade, the types who cry "depression" (or self-diagnose as bi-polar, etc) as an excuse to not show up for class/fail to act like an adult/fail to avoid being a f***wit really piss me off.

    My illness cost me a few key years, during which I could have been studying at my old uni.* Now that I'm back at (a different) uni, I've been working my arse off all the way through. Before that, I was working my arse off trying to get better.

    *By the time I was able to come back, my old degree course was discontinued.

    Just quietly, "I just feel a bit tired. And I wasn't even that drunk last night, so it can't be that!" is not a mental illness.

    /rant

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  10. It's been three years since my last real relationship. And it was with a white guy, and one of those "depressed," "trying to get myself together types." At least I learned from that experience as it pertains to the down-in-the-dumps types. If you have any semblance of emotional/mental health, expect all of that health to be drained from your very soul if you engage with these types for any length of time. They are emotional vampires. They suck you into a codependent black hole and will make you feel guilty for trying to escape.

    The last black guy I was interested in, we went on two dates. The first date was okay, with some code ambers, but I decided to give him another chance. The second date sealed the deal for me. He ragged on and on about his soon to be ex. He was separated and the divorce would not be finalized for another six months. His ex was Italian, which he profusely apologized to me about—like I cared. I guess he was trying to ingratiate himself to me for being with a white girl and was eager to “come home” and give the sistahs another try. In that one night, he bashed his wife, talking about how she was out of shape (after she birthed three of his children) and how he tried to “help” her out, how she was turning his youngest daughter against him, how she cannot be reasoned with. I guess he was banking on exploiting my sympathy, but it backfired because I simply did not know him well enough to give a rat's, and was amused that he thought this line of disclosure was remotely attractive to me. Then he tried to insult my faith, which really was the last nail in the coffin. That was our last date. I did not want to get involved with someone who was still legally married and get sucked into whatever drama was still swirling around the divorce. Plus, we were not spiritually compatible and had different religious views.

    I’ve been interested in a couple of other guys since then, but have since taken a break from “looking” to get myself together, build my self-esteem, and learn to be happy on my own. I’m learning to trust my intuition. Because, usually, these guys will tell on themselves, with the very phrases posted above. “I can’t be what you want me to be,” “I’ll just use you,” “I just want to have fun right now,” “I’ve been going through a lot of things.” When any of these phrases, or some variation, comes out of their mouths, run in the other direction.

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  11. AMAZING. So many of these are so often true!

    The "psycho ex-girlfriend" this is the biggest red flag for me. If a guy is talking about how "crazy" his ex was, that tells me that either
    A) he treated her like shit
    B) he's a misogynist who thinks all women are crazy, or
    C) he thinks he's going to get somewhere with me by awakening some "compete with other women" urge.

    Yuck, yuck, and yuck.

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  12. My reason is simple. From age 4 to my current 28th year, my identity has been tied with school. Since I'm almost finished with college (yay, me!), I want to spend the following few years getting to know Leo - who she really is, what she really wants, etc. I can't see the sense of getting 'booed up' when I have limited ideas about my real self, since I've been too busy working and/or studying to sit down and seriously reflect and explore. Dating would add unnecessary stress right now.

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  13. I'd like to add a line:

    "You're not like other women."

    There are different variations, but what they have in common is that they all make me suspicious. It makes me wonder what kind of women are you dating and why? And why have you chosen to extrapolate those bad experiences to all women? Why don't you take responsiblity for the choices that you make and stop blaming the entire gender?

    It also makes me think that you're bashing certain women because they're out of your reach. Maybe you think I'll be easier so you try to use that manipulative line to give me a false sense of superiority over people I don't even know.

    I've only dated once; one date. That's it. I'm really thankful for this blog because not only is it a safe space for POC, particularly women, but as a single person, a single woman, I can come here and NOT be made to feel like something is wrong with me because I'm not interested in the dating scene. At the moment I'd much rather focus on improving my own life. It's good to know that there are other like minded people.

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  14. @ eternal-llama

    How could I forget that one???!!????

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  15. I find it hard to explain why, and it's not entirely of my choosing that I don't date, but in the end I've never really wanted to except when made to feel that I was missing something for it. That feeling isn't really wanting to date and it goes quickly. Or being too lonely sometimes and romance being portrayed as the way to ultimately fulfill companionship needs, but I don't really buy into it. I've never tried to date and no one has tried to date me, unless I've been missing something. Which is possible, because I have Asperger's.

    I don't want to date. I haven't even been able to live on my own yet, partly for family reasons, and my sincere wish is to be on my own and do whatever I like, with books and cats, and travel and learn.

    @ eternal-llama
    As implied above, I've never heard that in a dating context, but I have heard variations of it in other contexts. I used to feel somewhat good about it if alienated, but now I'm tired of it and think it's a way to size me up like a piece of meat on the rack, that they will tenderize, digest and then excrete. Or to put me aside while they occupy themselves with what interests them.

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  16. "I don't want to date. I haven't even been able to live on my own yet, partly for family reasons, and my sincere wish is to be on my own and do whatever I like, with books and cats, and travel and learn."

    *looks around* Are you spying on me? =D

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  17. I’m not interested in dating simply because I have a very hard time believing anything a guy says to me. I don’t believe they’re serious; they may talk a good game, but talk is all it is. I do not have time to play games, and unless something happens to drastically change my perspective, I won’t be playing any. My life is rich and full; I’m engaged in activities I enjoy and making plans for my future that may not necessarily include being boo’ed up...and I'm all kinds of fine with it.

    I don’t have time to wonder if he’s telling the truth about his sexuality, his relationship status, whether or not he has kids, or what it is he really does for a living. I don’t have time to waste waiting for these truths to establish themselves when he can no longer maintain that false façade. True enough, some things will be clear early on if a woman’s paying attention, but I don’t have time to deal with that bullshit either. I’m a grown-ass woman and I prefer to deal with grown-ass men, and I define a grown-ass man as one who also does not have time for games and bullshit. There’s no need for a man to lie to me about who he is and what he wants; be up front with that shit and I’ll decide if I want to be bothered with it.

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  18. @ Everyone

    Think of if this way. I often equate gender dynamics with racial dynamics. When people of color point out serious sociopolitical flaws in white America, we're told it's our problem and/or it's our imagination. We're told POC are just naturally violent or simply meant to be poor. Meanwhile, the very real moral disorders of society continue because there's so much resistance to dismantling them.

    In the same vein, women are more vocal now than ever about their disappointment in men, and we are meeting similar resistance. Women have reached a point where the thought of dating or getting married has drastically lost its glow. For heterosexual women, we feel men in many ways are no longer worth the investment. But instead of men really stopping and pausing to reflect, learn, and grow, the automatic responses are the typical ones: women are needy, women don't have sex drives, women are too materialistic, and so and so forth.

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  19. It's amazing how many people are echoing my sentiments. I most agree with StellaMari and Perla Buttons... I am severely disappointed with the quality of my dating options (as a 25-year-old black female living in the Midwest who is open to all races) and highly doubtful that guys actually take a vested interest in a RELATIONSHIP... a PARTNERSHIP... and see me as a fully fledged, autonomous human being with her own likes/dislikes (that should not be taken as a "challenge" by said male to be tweaked to be more in line with his own), expectations (that do NOT make my standards "too high") and my body as more than a masturbatory vessel. Even at 25, I still see men as just looking at me to get their rocks off and not a person of value whose lives they would like to enrich in the same ways I can enrich theirs (and are these really men to begin with or the overgrown man-children so glamourized in Hollywood nowadays?). Additionally, despite being open to all races, I am most frequently approached by hoodlum men in very disrespectful and uncouth manners. There have been some men who have approached me (white) who are interested, but they bore me. Like Perla Buttons, I am still working on my degree, just finally permanently ended a very destructive on-again, off-again relationship of 4 years with an alcoholic irresponsible man-child, and also have been taking classes intermittently due to mental illness (bipolar and eating disorder). I work full time and also suffer from horrible allergies, so I am also too weak and exhausted to have to deal with **** from other people. Having ended this relationship as I found my self-esteem and realized my worth, I realize what insanity it is to endure crap from someone because you fear loneliness and feel like the odds in the dating pool are heavily stacked against you having quality options due to being a woman of color in a ridiculously racist midwestern town. Screw that noise. My life is too short and actually reading your blog for the past few months is what has encouraged this turning point in my mindset... so thank you as well. I have been toying with the idea of trying to date but it honestly seems exhausting and pointless when I look at my options... so I haven't begun.

    Also... you're spot on about the parallels between gender and racial dynamics. Every issue a woman has with a guy or her romantic/sex life (or lack thereof) somehow never fails to always fall back on what SHE'S doing wrong and what SHE should change. How many of us can realistically picture a woman sitting with her girlfriends, talking about this guy who she's interested in but she's natural and he likes women with long straight hair... and how many women would call her crazy for not getting a perm? Can any of us imagine that same scenario with a guy sitting with a group of his pals and he says "my girl doesn't like my long hair"... and the men all leaping to tell him that he should cut it to satisfy her preferences? Insanity.

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  20. @Speranza:

    I can't speak for anyone else, but I never said I have a problem with making connections. I don't view my choice to live my life on my terms as a problem either. The problem lies in the disenchantment of dating and the illusion of what itrepresents. If I wanted to date, it is quite easy for me to do so; if I was willing to lower my standards. However, I'db rather not waste my time killing time.

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    1. If I wanted to date, it is quite easy for me to do so; if I was willing to lower my standards. However, I'db rather not waste my time killing time.

      BINGO.

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  21. "First of all, since when did listing all the things that are wrong with you become sexy? "

    This is what has been getting propped up by society for generations. How many tv shows, movies, and songs have we digested about the man whose broken, damaged, the bad boy, or some variation thereof who "changes" through the loving of a good woman.

    "But instead of men really stopping and pausing to reflect, learn, and grow, the automatic responses are the typical ones: women are needy, women don't have sex drives, women are too materialistic, and so and so forth."

    Exactly. And the fucked up part is that when you do give men exactly what they say they want, they still aren't happy or are playing games. I think it goes back to what K said awhile back in the Show Me Your Dick Post. In society, men aren't required to step their game up as lovers or as men. And fewer and fewer men understand the definition or real manhood or as we refer to in the South as man training. Respecting females, treating them like partners, equals, etc.

    Also ladies (and gents), another tip from the male perspective. If you've been in a serious committed relationship with a dude for years, and you all are playing house, maybe you've got one or two kids, you're ready for the ring and he STILL has a problem making that jump, "taking that relationship to that level" , making the commitment or whatever other excuse, you ARE NOT wrong for cutting your losses and keeping it moving.

    It's one thing if neither of you are looking for a commitment, it's cool if you're casually dating .

    But if you're ready to settle down and the guy is still hemming and hawwing and getting him to be committed is like pulling teeth. Cut your losses. You're not being needy or a ball and chain or whatever other BS they try to spew. Chances are they're trying to hold out for something "better" and don't appreciate the treasure they already possess.

    It's smart business. Why would you place all your assets into an investment or endeavor where you're not going to get a return and you're going to be poorer than what you started with.

    I say fuck that noise. Use em for sex and keep it moving.

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  22. @Ankh- exactly right. i tend to equate gender dynamic with racial dynamics too, and as a black woman i get to experience both fuzzy ends of the lollipop. Personally I've been ecstatically single for almost 4 years and I'm 31. I've been learning so much about myself and life and what i want and definitely don't want and it has been the hardest 4 years but the absolute best. I've been on a few dates and been approached by lots of men. But remained deeply unimpressed by all. They seem to think a woman with standards and education is a threat and must be 'pulled down' somehow to their broke ass/ damaged /uneducated level via some sort of sexual humiliation/ rejection. especially if you reject them first. Boys lashing out. I really don't have time to deal with other peoples insecurities and their veiw of how my life should be. Celibacy is a great way to know what you're really looking for.
    There is hope guys, after removing myself from the game and finding out what I really wanted and accepting no substitutes or bullcrap, love came and found me...

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  23. after removing myself from the game and finding out what I really wanted and accepting no substitutes or bullcrap, love came and found me...

    That's what I always say. When you look for trouble, you will certainly find it. Truth be told, you don't have to look for trouble and it will still find you. I prefer to live my life and I know one day that the right one will find me at that level, because that's where he is.

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  24. First and foremost, I’m tired of people assuming that I want to be in a relationship. I’d like to have someone to share my life with eventually, but it isn’t the first thing on my ‘to do’ list (nor is it the second, third, or fourth), and it shouldn’t have to be.

    What sealed the ‘not dating’ deal: Guys telling me what I need to change about myself in order to get a man. The “You’re too ______”, or the “You’re not ______ enough” lines. Now I’m not against being on the receiving end of con-crit, but...

    Apparently, I’m too ambitious, too expectant, too independent, too stable, too much in control of my sexuality. I’m not desperate enough, not tolerant enough of BS when I see it, not blind enough, and, my personal favourite, not black enough. That last one is something I’m still shaking my head at.

    Guys have the audacity to say this crap to me, and then wonder why I’m not interested.

    I also have an issue with people trying to feel on me without permission. If I don’t know you, and we’re not at a party or a club where that kind of thing is almost excusable, what the bloody fuck are your hands doing on me?

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  25. I think a major part of this disconnect is in how boys and girls are raised in society, especially in the past three decades. I can't speak for the rest of the world, so I'm using both my observations as well as studies done in Jamaica to make this point: many girls are being raised from birth, so to speak, to be completely independent and to stand on their own two feet. They're expected to know how to run their houses, to do well in school, to work and/or have their own business (either primary, or on the side of their day job) - in other words, to be ambitious. Meanwhile, too many of the boys are allowed to do jack squat - they laze around the house while their sisters wash, cook, and clean; some of their mothers pick them up from high school (seriously, wtf?!), while many girls either bus it, taxi it, or walk it home after classes and extras. In short, too many males were/are being raised to be spoiled and pampered Mama's Boys; they're brought up in the 'traditional' ways, while their female peers got a more contemporary upbringing. Add to that the great number of female students to males in college settings, and it's no wonder most women today aren't enthused/enamored with the idea of dating.

    The disconnect is alarmingly great between the sexes in the same generation, so dating has become 'panning for gold'. Not many women are willing to spend (or have the time to spend) months or years sifting through silt and pyrite to find that one speck of real gold.

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  26. "Apparently, I’m too ambitious, too expectant, too independent, too stable, too much in control of my sexuality. I’m not desperate enough, not tolerant enough of BS when I see it, not blind enough, and, my personal favourite, not black enough. That last one is something I’m still shaking my head at."
    @Fhalei
    Lol!!!! Have you been spying on me??!! Heraing these things not only from men, but members of my own family (whose opinions i did not ask for as I am perfcetly happy being single and doing me) is the reason I checked out of dating and into celibacy at the age of 29. My sister especially wanted me to change my (natural) hair and clothing and interests and to start dating the kind of men that she herself has had appallling luck with. I had a big WTF??!! blowout with her about it and highlight the glaring details between my love life and hers. Needless to say she shut her trap and let me be...
    @Leoprincess
    I heartily agree there is a disconnect all over the world between how boys and girls are raised and the expectations upon them. I find that girls have responsibility and societal pressures heaped upon them and turn them into little women to take care of everyone, whilst men are raised expecting all their needs to be catered for. finding a man that knows and takes pride in taking care of himself, maintaining and nurturing is a speck of gold indeed...

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  27. I’m happily married now but at one point I was put off dating entirely because I struggled to find a guy who would be as emotionally committed as I was. I’ve never been good with casual relationships, I’ve accepted that monogamy is what works for me. So when I broke up with my ex a few years back I just decided to be single until someone more worth it could change my mind. I wear my heart on my sleeve when I’m in a relationship, I’m very open, and I’m really passionate about that person. I spent a whole year with a guy who I invested a lot of my time and heart in but who never gave much back. My husband is the first guy I’ve ever met who was just able to say “I like you” without it being like pulling teeth. He was really excited about me and it was the first time I’d experienced that. I know that not everyone wants this out of a partner but I did have to stop dating for a little while to find it.

    @Speranza
    It’s funny, your comment just made me realize that I only know two women who spout that “all men are shit” line and they’re both married. One is married to my husband’s best friend. Everytime I see this woman (and I try not to as much as possible) she always has to talk negatively about men. They can’t do this, they’re not good at that, blah blah blah. So I’m like, why did you marry one? She says they’re all big children but she voluntarily chose to get married. But of course, I know the answer is because all she wanted was her white wedding, the one she’s probably been dreaming about since she was 7.

    For the record, her husband is a pretty good catch and I think he could find someone nicer. He doesn’t speak up for himself because he wants to keep the peace so she just walks all over him. It’s kind of a shame because he only puts up with her because he’s too scared of being single. Go figure.

    @Leoprincess
    I know exactly what you're talking about. My ex was like that. His mother did everything for him. I once asked him if he knew his bank account number and he told me his mother had all that information, nevermind the fact that he was then living in Miami and she was in NY and if he needed to get into his account for money I have no idea how he intended to do it. The first thing my mother did when I got to college was made sure I opened a bank account and was able to at least deposit a check on my own. I noticed boys at school getting clothes and little care packages sent to them from their mothers at home. I never saw a single female student get the same treatment. They were definitely babied.

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  28. Well for me its physical appearance. I'm 19 but I look super young. Yet I will admit I don't connect with a lot of guys due to their approach or how they act. They seem to think since one line worked on one woman than it will work on all woman. Plus I like to take things slow, to be friends with them to really get a feel for them, guys immediately feel as though they should get sex right off the bat simply for approaching a female.

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  29. @kohanaflux that is so funny/sad.

    B/c yes, a lot of unpleasant women/men wind up with nice but scared to be alone partners. Funny how that works out.

    I'm not sure why black women who have standards are a "problem" that needs to be fixed. And why some women are too eager to suggest that black women are so broken and deserving of attacks by men who clearly have issues (e.g. Tyrese, Steve Harvey, Tyler Perry, and I'll add pretty boy Boris Kodjoe to that list too. He doesn't get a pass from me). I honestly don't see how any sane person would support their BS...

    Funny, you never hear men who have it together bashing black women. Why aren't we getting lectured Colin Powell, Barack Obama, etc.? Hmm, why might that be?

    There is an obvious profile that applies to the men who like to take to the streets proclaiming how woefully inadequate black women are. Luckily for us, they are men that most self-respecting black women do not want or need, and who kind of re-affirm the decision to stay comfortably single.

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  30. Funny, you never hear men who have it together bashing black women. Why aren't we getting lectured Colin Powell, Barack Obama, etc.? Hmm, why might that be?

    You read my mind again.

    Not-so-funny stories. 1) Today at work, I had two clients trying to sort of merge accounts. Both were women, but the first woman had a man talking in the background. When I talked to the women separately, I learned the man originally lived with the second woman, where she paid the bills. He'd moved in to set up house with the first woman, and she was setting up to pay all the bills.

    2) A friend of the Eldest Sis is about to start staying with me for maybe a month or two because her BF picked a fight and threw her out. She too was paying ALL the bills. Why did he kick her out? Because he graduates in 2 weeks and will finally start working. He's thousands upon thousands of dollars in credit card debt, but guess who was paying all that off?

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  31. @ Ankh: *reads in disbelief* Nuh-uh. If I'm going to be paying all of a male's bills in my house, he had better be a pet, or my underaged son.

    I wouldn't expect or want a man to pay for my expenses plus his; I'm not taking that shit at all.

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  32. And the fucked up part was that duded in scenario #1 was making the women handle the changeover. He was making the ex talk to the new woman while he sat in the background, not having to worry about bills.

    *shudder*

    Make no mistake, the women should've both cut him off from the quick, but people often forget how most women get into these situations in the first place. We're picky, so it's likely he had a job and was paying for shit to begin with. But once he got in, he felt comfy enough to be kept.

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  33. @Ankhesen, that is the craziest thing I've ever heard only it really isn't.

    I recall a co-worker (I was an engineer at the time), who told me that her brother, who'd been allowed to grow into a lazy, uneducated man-child, had several "girlfriends" who gave him money. He basically got paid when they got paid. She actually answered a call at her mother's house (where he lived and she didn't), where one of these pathetic women was calling to APOLOGIZE b/c she didn't get paid on time. When he found out, he refused to speak to her and told the sister to tell her not to call him again until she had the money.

    My sister's best friend from med school married a do-nothing and she'd come home from being on-call (read sleep deprived zombie) and he'd tell her what he wanted her to cook("oh, I really have just been thinking about your chili all day") and she'd turn right around, go to the store, cook it, serve him, and clean up, all after being awake for about 36-40 hours. I remember seeing her a couple of years after we first met, and she looked so haggard and used up that I didn't know who she was when she came up to greet me(she had previously been well-coiffed and well-dressed). And I'm talking about a 26-27 year old black woman. It takes a LOT to make a black woman age prematurely. She'd spent a lot of time at our house and my dad thought her marriage was mistake and told her at the CHURCH that it wasn't to late if she had changed her mind, and that no one would judge her.

    In her case, and in others, I also see women let men control money that they play no part in earning, but for example, the guy will spend lots of money on clothing, a car, gadgets, etc. and the wife will let herself take crumbs b/c they really can't afford that stuff in the first place. Another friend of a friend married a guy who didn't like to work too hard, and she was earning a six figure salary and when he was employed, he earned nearly nothing, but she drove a 10 year old Honda and he had a brand new Expedition and had a $1000 watch among other things. Her company was acquired and she was offered a spot at the HQ of the new company, and he refused to move so she turned it down, and then he decided that they should short sell their house (b/c of course, he couldn't pay for it). He kept his truck though...

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  34. continued...

    Same woman had left the U.S. for the first time before she married, and found that she loved it and dreamed of visiting other countries. Her husband refused(he's one of those people who is scared and suspicious of anything foreign), and she has not left the U.S. since she got married.

    I feel as though I've run across too many professional women who were with jobless, careerless, uneducated, lazy men. But when I point that out, I'm apparently the problem, b/c I'm too superficial, and that not everyone needs a degree. That is true, but the only way an uneducated man will cross my threshold will be if I've hired him to come fix something for me. Explain to me why I want to support a grown-a$$ man in a manner that he has done nothing to earn?

    I think your last commenter (with the now deleted posts) must be a white woman, or she much "play one on TV." Seriously, that is an Oscar-worthy performance if she isn't one.

    As I mentioned before, they aren't used to not being able to make you shut up by either using WWT or somehow getting you removed by calling you a "big mean meanie." Disagreeing with them is not allowed. Telling them they are wrong is not allowed. They get supported in this throughout their lives.

    And when they don't have the normal means available and their WWT don't work, they just try to dismiss the argument entirely by calling it rude or incoherent. Instead of actually dealing with what you said, they just act as though the entirety of your argument was garbage that they don't have to dignify with a response. I've been called "incoherent" and had my writing otherwise insulted on several occasions. They can't ever acknowledge that you have bested them in any way.

    And in many virtual and actual environments, this works well for them. Funny how it bugs them so much that one teeny, tiny space on the internet is immune to their antics. As an aside, this makes me think that it must be a NIGHTMARE to have to manage them.

    But yeah, why would anyone invite a person into her life that is only going to make it harder or worse?

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  35. Man, these stories are worse than anything Stephen King could conjure up. *shudder*

    Surely being alone (not lonely!) would be better than all that!

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  36. And that's why it's so important that we 1) teach ourselves and fellow women the difference between being alone and being lonely, and 2) understand that it's perfectly okay to be alone.

    The key word women seem to be missing is "option". Having a significant other in your life is an option. It's not mandatory. It sure as hell isn't necessary, contrary to popular belief.

    Once you take sex out of the equation, you're left with companionship. You can get that anywhere - friends, family, even pets. Modern relationships need room to evolve. For some men, that automatically means polygamy. For women, that means something else.

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  37. @Leoprincess, these aren't even the worst ones I've heard. But the saddest thing to me is that I guarantee that none of these women will ever leave these men, and if the men leave them, they will lose their minds as if losing these men is a big tragedy. And then they'll have to hear from the peanut gallery that they got left b/c they weren't acting right.

    The worst story I heard involved the woman actually lucking out when her awful husband finally told her that he didn't want to be married anymore, which he had been passive-aggressively SHOWING her for several years. B/c she refused to read those memos, he finally left her stranded, pregnant with their 2nd child, last Xmas (or maybe in 2009). It should have been the happiest day of her life, but instead, the poor thing has had a nervous breakdown over losing this awful, narcissist who I'm sure had someone waiting for him when he finally left.

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  38. "Funny, you never hear men who have it together bashing black women. Why aren't we getting lectured Colin Powell, Barack Obama, etc.? Hmm, why might that be? "

    @Nicthommi, you just summed it up beautifully.

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  39. "Surely being alone (not lonely!) would be better than all that!"

    Hell, for me being lonely is better than all that. I can do bad by myself. Why do I need anybody to make my situation worse?

    And trust, don't think being in a relationship will cure loneliness, ESPECIALLY when you're with the wrong person.

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  40. Leoprincess12/4/11, 2:03 PM

    "And trust, don't think being in a relationship will cure loneliness, ESPECIALLY when you're with the wrong person."

    Lawd, don't I know. I've seen it in my own family: two grand-aunts married for decades to men who spent most of it making them miserable, and are now forced to care for said men who are both Alzheimer's-stricken. >_< Just thinking about it makes me sick and scared.

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  41. Dreamlover22512/4/11, 2:12 PM

    Hello, everyone! Lurker here...The post compelled me to respond.

    I'm not necessarily against dating but lately, I have been disenchanted with the entire process. To me, dating has become "tit for tat." It is less and less about true companionship and friendship and more about what one person can do for other. Of course, it's crucial to have standards but dating isn't simply a trade.

    I have noticed that men only want me for sex. To them, I am nothing more than a vagina. Sex is important but there is soooo much more to a woman than her private parts. Men trade companionship for sex and it irks me to no end!

    I feel that people have forgotten how to truly love and appreciate one another rather than using their relationship to satisfy some void. Whether that void be sex or "loneliness."

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  42. I can't believe I forgot this one:

    "I believe in second chances" = "I fuck up. I fuck up a lot. I want a woman who will stand by me, no matter how badly or how I often I seriously fuck up."

    Because while women go into relationships minding their p's and q's, men go in with a checklist of things they want to be able to get away with.

    And here's another one I get a lot:

    "So you're just not going to talk to me?/So you're never going to speak to me again?"

    This often comes from the dude who's deliberately being ignored and yet still needs it spelled out for him. He really thinks that this is an opener, that this will trigger actual dialogue with me. Often comes from the really dumb ones.

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  43. Jeez, how many of us know women like this??????????

    Nicthommi: ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    I swear, that situation makes absolutely no sense to me, even though I know (through a few degrees of separation) women who do just that. I would rather have my eyeballs scooped out with rusty soup spoons than be knowingly anchored to someone like that and putting up with it because I mistakenly believe I don't deserve better. Fuck the hell out of that bullshit; I know my worth.

    *shivers* The very idea of it makes me nauseous. She's going to snap; probably when he leaves her for another woman.

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  44. For me it's really just that most guys (or people in general) do not appeal to me. I have standards that most guys I meet just don't match. I don't waste my time on anyone who doesn't even meet the bare minimum. I'm not good at the whole "settling" thing.

    I also suffer from unlucky-childhood-friend syndrome so that doesn't help matters either.

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  45. Also, I'm 22. That might or might not give you guys a better idea on the why's of my mindset.

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  46. For me, it's just always been a complete disinterest in wanting anything to do with dating or relationships in general.It's not that I'm anti love or anti relationships, I support it for others. However, for myself I JUST DON'T CARE. I agree mostly with what Brotha Wolf said.When I was a kid, it was never my goal to grow up and one day get married. No thanks, I support marraige as well, I just don't want it for myself. No, I wanted to travel and see the world and just live life because it's what I wanted. It's always bothered me being an 18 year old girl going on 19 soon how other teenage girls are soo obsessed with realtionships. In my mind I'm thinking you're a teen, do you really expect this to last...and that's not being pessimistic it's being a realist..very few highschool romances last..so the obsession with it is disturbing to me. Back to the topic though, all in all I could give a damn whether I ever date or not. If I do, whoopee!! -.-' great, hope it lasts, if not, well..hey I'm still going to live life do me.

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  47. I just can't stand when someone lies to you or does nothing to make good on their request for forgiveness or an opportunity for redemption. Nowadays I believe one big mess up doesn't require forgiveness or a moment's consideration. I can just bounce and move on to happier and more fulfilling things. Since I've been immersing myself in club culture lately I've learned a lot about how women my age deal with men and what kind of men are prevalent. The guys I run into are often obnoxious or just the type to stand in a corner and stare at you or other women like they're appraising meat. I can't stand the club culture outside of a few venues like San Francisco or Latin club night. I'm looking forward to traveling so I can be around different people and explore new things because I can't stand most of the men in my neck of the woods.

    I feel like the time I would spend worrying about men, what they thought of me and trying to get booed up I could be working, studying, saving up money for a trip abroad, a new gadget, some mineral makeup, manga, etc. Things that I enjoy and have an interest in without unnecessary male input.

    Since the recent ending of a very bad relationship I've been trying to buckle down and figure out what I'll do after graduation and how I'll make it to graduation day. I've been thinking about my feelings toward sex and maybe investing in some toys to figure out what I like so I can do it for myself when I'm in the mood. I realize I don't even need a man for physical pleasure and I have the best companionship when I'm with friends or family. A man has to really be on his game to impress me or convince me that he can enhance my life rather than drain me of my energy and sanity.

    I realize that I'm pretty happy with the way I am and I don't feel like I have to be like other women. I can explore and do what I want to do. I can be independent.

    My next big step toward independence will be overcoming my fear of driving and obtaining a car. I hope I don't have to wait long for that because I will be deciding where I want to live after graduation, assuming I don't relocate all the way back to the Midwest. I want to live on my own.

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  48. To me, dating has become "tit for tat." It is less and less about true companionship and friendship and more about what one person can do for other. Of course, it's crucial to have standards but dating isn't simply a trade.

    This is a really good point.

    Humans keep forgetting how much our economy influences our individual decisions, consciously and subconsciously. Think about it; if a 1-BR costs $500/mo and you want to cut that down to $250/mo...get an S.O. It's the best way for 2 people to split the costs of a 1-BR.

    Or so we think.

    The problem with this is the same reason communism had problems in China: it was implemented by capitalists. Modern dating is increasingly based on economics...but it's being implemented by romantics.

    When the main priority is keeping the bills down, the heart cannot be a factor. It's basically marriage in its most ancient form - "love" didn't have a damn thing to do with it. It was all about survival.

    The problem with modern dating is that it's become about unequal survival. One person benefits while the other loses immeasurable time and financial resources.

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  49. Perla Buttons12/5/11, 12:51 AM

    I just found a very pertinent and telling comment on another blog I read. Judging by the avatar and alias, the commenter may well be a woman.

    "Marriage, by definition, is hard...[brief mention of marriages witnessed by commenter]Know what else is hard? Crushing loneliness."

    Yup folks, those are our two options. Pick one!

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  50. Dreamlover22512/5/11, 1:03 AM

    "The problem with this is the same reason communism had problems in China: it was implemented by capitalists. Modern dating is increasingly based on economics...but it's being implemented by romantics."

    *Round of Applause*

    Business and pleasure DO NOT mix! Hence, the alarmingly high divorce rate.

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  51. Ya'll are posting some serious horror stories right now. Interestingly enough one of my friends told me I was shallow for wanting to avoid these types of situations. I pointed out that I had no interest in someone that was not planning on doing some sort of post secondary program. She said that wasn't fair to the guy. I'm not even looking for a doctor, but dear God have some sort of plans!

    I also pointed out that I found it stupid that girls my age are dropping hundreds of dollars on their boyfriends, when we're all working minimum wage and trying to get through school. The consensus was I was going to end up a cat lady.

    My response? "Bring it on, I love animals."

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  52. "My response? "Bring it on, I love animals.""

    LOL!

    I remember reading an article about a certain college in the U.S. where the ratio of women to men was wicked high, and many of the women interviewed were complaining how they can't have fun due to the lack of men. Some were even sharing a boyfriend (I shit you not; one woman mentioned that the guy she was currently with already hopped/skipped/humped two or three of her sorority sisters).

    I think I burned out my side-eye on that one. I don't know of ANY guy who says, "Yea, I can't go out and enjoy myself after a week of butt-kicking classes because I have no girlfriend. I need to have a girlfriend!". Pretty sure his friends would kick the ever loving crud out of him for even thinking that.

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  53. @Curlzz, a rabbit is an animal too...

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  54. Also, the following are actions to take when yo man ain't shit:

    http://neo-prodigy.livejournal.com/836306.html

    ReplyDelete
  55. This:

    The problem with this is the same reason communism had problems in China: it was implemented by capitalists. Modern dating is increasingly based on economics...but it's being implemented by romantics.

    When the main priority is keeping the bills down, the heart cannot be a factor. It's basically marriage in its most ancient form - "love" didn't have a damn thing to do with it. It was all about survival.

    The problem with modern dating is that it's become about unequal survival. One person benefits while the other loses immeasurable time and financial resources.


    ...is a post all by its damn self. Simply put and to the point.

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  56. @ Perla Buttons

    Judging by the avatar and alias, the commenter may well be a woman.

    "Marriage, by definition, is hard...[brief mention of marriages witnessed by commenter]Know what else is hard? Crushing loneliness."


    I'm on an "Ugly Betty" kick. Just saw Eric Mabius's character tell Salma Hayek's character some bullshit about how she was teaching women to treat men like dirt so they could end up like desperate old cat ladies.

    Mm-hm. I think more and more of these comments are coming from men, and online, men posing as women. It's like when white folks troll POC blogs posing as POC.

    Modern dating benefits men. Marriage benefits men. Hollywood constantly pushes the "women must marry men agenda". Women's lives in films don't begin until they meet that special man. If they're not dating, they're portrayed as total losers. Men are only portrayed as losers if they're not getting laid.

    Like I said before, men can talk shit about desperate women all they want, but they don't actually want them to go anywhere.

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  57. Crushing loneliness

    ...is what a person feels when they don't know who they are and seek to be completed when they find "the one." People need to be complete within themselves, and that special someone should be a complement.

    Solutions to a person's intrapersonal problems are not found in a significant other, and neither dating nor marriage will change things if one is intrinsically lacking in something. Just my $.02.

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  58. It's easy for women to have their big list of requirements and stay alone until they find someone that fulfills the list because a woman no matter how aesthetically challenged she might be can always get laid while she waits for Mr. Right, because men will do it with anyone if it is put on a plate.

    But for men it is different, if you're not blessed with good looks; if you're just average looking or below average you can get left with no-one and no bedroom action indefinitely. You can die out here without getting any. Contrary to popular belief a man's looks are of the utmost importance to women. You see this on this site all the time "oh Chiwetel Ejiofor can do what he wants to me on the first date".

    The easiness of men when it comes to putting out gives women all the power.

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  59. I disagree.

    It all comes down to having sex right now vs. engaging in a long-term relationship with the possibility of procreation.

    If a woman just wants to have sex with someone, then whom she chooses is irrelevant - she can satisfy whatever harmless fetish or fantasy she has and have done with it.

    But long-term relationships are trickier, because in the long-term, looks fade. Ergo, they cannot be a deciding factor. In fact, they need to be fairly close to the bottom of the list. The focus has to be on inner compatibility and economic stability because as much as our media tries to deny it, it is inevitable that all looks fade.

    As for women getting sex whenever we want - not true. Men are picky too. Contrary to popular, men won't just sleep with anything. Desperate men might, but not all men are desperate, and desperation often acts as a repellent to women.

    Truth is, when it comes to looks, men have stricter standards than women. That's been going on for thousands of years; it ain't new. It's also a deterrent to dating for modern women because more and more of us are tired of trying to live up to unrealistic standards.

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  60. @Robert: No, no, no, no and no.

    "It's easy for women to have their big list of requirements and stay alone until they find someone that fulfills the list because a woman no matter how aesthetically challenged she might be can always get laid while she waits for Mr. Right, because men will do it with anyone if it is put on a plate."

    Yeah there's a reason why there's so many M/M slasher fetishists (read: crazy white fangirls) growing. It's because many of them can't get laid and they try to fixate on gay men (in the same way straight guys fap to girl on girl action) as compensation of the fact that no one wants to touch them so it's easier to fixate on something they can't have and they know don't want them. And when gay men tell them to respect our boundaries, they go single white female because reality has smacked them again.
    And to co-sign with K, desperate people do desperate things so both men and women will have sex if they're desperate enough.

    The problem for a lot of men is that they think they're entitled to the Victoria's Secret lingerie model type (or some variation thereof), no matter what they look like physically, what their sexual prowess is, what their income is etc. Ergo, I'm a man, I'm entitled to a Hooter's model.

    "But for men it is different, if you're not blessed with good looks; if you're just average looking or below average you can get left with no-one and no bedroom action indefinitely."

    Um no. Most of these rock stars and rappers who are getting groupies and laid aren't getting action because of their looks. Many dot com nerds who made it big didn't start getting women because of their looks.
    "Contrary to popular belief a man's looks are of the utmost importance to women."

    I disagree. Generally speaking, women will give a guy the time of day if he's charming, funny, emotionally supportive, a bad boy, dangerous, a good father, financially stable, a free meal ticket or whatever floats her boat.
    Men on the other hand: most of us do our thinking below the waist.

    "As for women getting sex whenever we want - not true. Men are picky too. Contrary to popular, men won't just sleep with anything. Desperate men might, but not all men are desperate, and desperation often acts as a repellent to women."
    HELL YES!

    "Truth is, when it comes to looks, men have stricter standards than women. That's been going on for thousands of years; it ain't new. It's also a deterrent to dating for modern women because more and more of us are tired of trying to live up to unrealistic standards."
    CO-SIGNED!!!!

    Furthermore, Chiwetel Ejiofor doesn't have fans simply because of his looks. It's the whole package. It's his style, his swagger, his commanding presence, his accent. His intelligence. I dare say women (and a more than a few men) are attracted to him because of the whole package.

    If you read the posts, it strictly wasn't looks that the women (and the gays) were focused on when it came to the men we adored.
    "The easiness of men when it comes to putting out gives women all the power."

    And how is that the woman's problem? If men aren't happy with women "having all the power" or whatever, then don't give it to them. Men can do the same thing. Hold out for something that fits them. Men ALSO have the option to focus on themselves, their career, travel and be happy being alone and self-sufficient and maintain a strict standard for the right woman to come along. I guarantee when more men become more self-sufficient, confident and secure in their own skins, the ladies will come a-knocking.

    If men honestly think the women out here aren't worth their time, then don't mess with them.
    Hell I switched teams and I've been happier ever since. ;-)

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  61. @Neo-prodigy, what an awesome post.

    I don't get how a man can honestly say that ugly men get no action. Heck, a full wallet works, but a lot of poor and ugly men seem to get around too. In my post on the horror stories of women married to trifling men, NONE of those women were involved with attractive men. They were all with men who from the looks of them, SHOULD have been psyched, thrilled, and grateful that an attractive, educated, and well-heeled black woman was into them. But no, not so much.

    I've seen news stories on men who get sent to jail for owing so much child support and it is always some guy who has 14 kids who looks like Dave Chappelle's crackhead character Tyrone Biggums. So yeah, women are clearly not that picky.

    And as you said, charm, poise, intelligence, etc. go a LONG way towards charming the ladies, esp. once they are over 30.

    But the whole, everybody needs a man crap that a lot of women buy into is why looks, intelligence, education, etc. are frequently NOT required for a man to get a woman to chase after him or be at his beck and call.

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  62. "The easiness of men when it comes to putting out gives women all the power."

    Funny-- THIS is a sentiment I've heard enough to be considered a red-flag, too! What an easter egg to find in this thread of all places. Thanks for the reminder!

    My biggest and most common red-flag line from men, though, is this gem:

    "You are intimidating."

    It can be translated, reliably, to "Sure, you SEEM like the total package... but you CAN be broken, I am sure of it. In fact, I will do my best to pick you apart, contradict, question, and invalidate you at every tiny chance I get, especially in fields in which you are certifiably more qualified to talk about [often on my career specialty and, even more frequently, on being female. Yes, no shit.]"

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  63. I guarantee when more men become more self-sufficient, confident and secure in their own skins, the ladies will come a-knocking.

    Neo, say that damn thang! You haven't lied yet!

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  64. "We weren’t meant to go through this life alone. period. Most cultures get it. some individuals try to fight it. Resistance is futile."

    Just saw that comment on Clutch. Um....would someone please tell me why the only way humans can socially interact/make meaningful relationships is the 'Permanently Booed Up n' Fugging' kind?

    I noticed this is coming from a woman hell-bent on marrying and having children ASAP. No one's telling her not to do that, but somehow she and others feel the need to tell other women on the post that we're on the wrong path. I've seen the word 'bitter' hurled at the Single and Loving Its quite a few times.

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  65. Neva said...
    "The easiness of men when it comes to putting out gives women all the power."

    Funny-- THIS is a sentiment I've heard enough to be considered a red-flag, too! What an easter egg to find in this thread of all places. Thanks for the reminder!"

    You're welcome :)

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  66. @ Nicthommi

    "Why aren't we getting lectured Colin Powell, Barack Obama, etc.? Hmm, why might that be?"

    You know what's so funny? They actually lecture the men about getting their act together, and every time they get backlash for it.

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  67. I just haven't found anything worth spending time on. I don't care for bullshit I don't need any shit from a man. I need a man to own his own actions and stop acting like fucking child. Till then I'm walking on and not giving a shit.

    I'd like to get married at some point but I'm not holding my damn breath. I'd like to have a family but I don't need a man to do that ...adoption all the way.

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