The Other R-Word


I'm actually a fan of KT Tatara; my fangirling threatened to get unhealthy at one point. This, however, is not one of his best bits.

I think men treat the words "rape" and "rapist" the way white people treat the word "racist".  When accused in all seriousness, they act like it's worse than the fact they were just trying to force themselves on someone.  Other times, the words induce an eye roll.  And when stories and stats are brought up, they often rush to bring up the false accusations of rape (or they bring up women raping men), rather than facing up to a social problem so old it actually frequents the pages of human mythology.

Ladies in attendance here at the bar, raise your hands if a man has ever gotten a bit too forceful with you.  He may not have completed the act, but he sure as hell tried.

*raises hand*

Almost of all us know what it's like to meet a man who has trouble with the word "no."  If you haven't, I sincerely hope you never do.  He's the guy from history class.  He's the dude who sent you a drink at the bar.  He's the kid from next door.  He's the friend you knew all the way back in elementary school.  He got good grades.  He had a good job.  He paid his taxes, and he went to church, the synagogue, or the mosque.  He spoiled his Jack Russell Terrier somethin' fierce.  Nothing about him screamed "potential rapist", until you two were alone one day - not even drinking - and for some reason, he just didn't want to hear the word "no."

I often compare the race issue with the gender issue because the dynamic is the same.  Trying to hide your gender is like trying to hide your race - not the easiest task.  As women, we're very easily identified and often targeted.

If you're wondering what brought this post on, you've guessed it - Amber Cole, among other things.  Bloggers keep bringing up the fact that no one is writing open letters to the boys, and most men are not properly addressing the issue at the core: the boys thought it was okay to do that to a fellow human being.  Forget the fact she was female for a moment: they did this to a fellow human being, a living, breathing being, and they thought it was okay.

Some of you remember Hercules and the Amazom Women, starring Kevin Sorbo.  If you don't, go to Netflix and watch it on streaming.  Before you laugh, pay attention to the scene where the Amazon Queen takes Hercules back through his childhood where his father Zeus - a lecherous perv who raped plenty of women - gives him a less than healthy education about women.  Best part of the whole...whatever that was.  The reason boys behave like this is that they're taught to behave like this.  Through verbal and nonverbal cues they are told women are less, and meant to be violated.  Whether they're not told by their fathers or brothers or uncles and such, society is telling them that, whether through casual humor or mainstream media.

For example, I've lost track of how many times I've seen women raped in films and on TV, and it's clearly filmed in a such a way as to arouse male audience members.  The woman isn't screaming or fighting; she's not bloodied or beaten; she's often conveniently written as a slave or a servant or a hostage who feels "compelled" to obey so she doesn't struggle or do anything to properly disturb the male audience.  In other words, these rape scenes, whether they're in Spartacus or Helen of Troy, are something straight out of fetish and fantasy, not horrific true life.

Another example: a former neighbor of mine used to work with teens.  She was once part of an intervention where a group of male colleagues were talking to a teenaged boy who'd either admitted to or had been busted for drugging a girl.  My neighbor talked about how uncomfortable the men were reprimanding the boy.  They mumbled things like "jail" and such, but no one said the girl's name or even brought her up.  So my neighbor finally spoke up, saying something to the effect of, "I don't know why these men are avoiding the word 'rape', M---, but you almost raped that girl.  You almost ruined her life, so instead of being glad you're not going to jail, you need to be horrified of what you almost did to that girl."  Only after she brought this up did the men mumble something else in support.

This brings up the sociopathic element which sorely needs to be discussed.  We've talked extensively how, for white people, being called a racist is considered worse than actually being one.  There's a similar issue here with the word "rapist"; men don't want that label.  "Player", sure.  Rapist?  Not so much.  A ex-guy friend of mine and I were talking about sexual preferences.  He insisted that 1) he was straight, 2) he preferred anal sex to vaginal sex, and 3) though he later took it back, he said part of the pleasure was the degradation of the woman (a common sentiment amongst men, mind you).  When I said I naturally disagreed with #2 since the vagina is self-lubricating, and I would not feel comfortable with a man who insisted on anal sex, he said - and I'm quoting verbatim - "But it's not about you."

To clarify, he felt a woman's discomfort in that situation was irrelevant, because she was supposed to be doing it for the man.  When I said that was a rapist's thinking, he blanched and started backpedaling.  Mind you, he was a "good guy."  I had known him since I was about 15, and he had shown me the utmost respect and affection for well over a decade...until that moment, when he felt so "comfortable" with me, he felt could say something like that, and it would all be cool.  Sort of like when white people get too comfortable around people of color, and let slip what they really think of POC, and expect everything to stay hunky-dory.

I'm bringing up the sociopathic element because white people who fear the word "racist" and men who fear the word "rapist", and who focus more on the words than the damage of their actions, should know they are behaving exactly the way child molesters do.  Child molesters, upon arrest or admittance into institutions, don't show remorse for their actions.  They're too busy demanding to know when they can go home, how soon they'll get to see their families, and to "please" not be called pedophiles, child molesters, or sex offenders in the process.  They're more afraid of losing their jobs, families, and freedom, rather than what they did to some innocent, defenseless child.

So for all you male bar patrons in attendance, if you feel the need to write about Amber Cole and the boys who ruined her life, come correct.  If you're a MoC, write about the violation the way you would a racial violation.  I read plenty of MoC and you men are merciless when exposing white racism.  You don't directly or indirectly empathize with white racists, so don't indirectly empathize with the boys.  Don't skip over them to lecture Amber, and by extension, other girls.  Now's a great time to have the right talk with those boys, and by extension, other boys.

Comments

  1. I haven't mentioned this often but the attack that occurred in Hollowstone was actually based on a real life situation that happened some years back. The authorities, and all parties involved knew this young woman had been sexually assaulted, but because they didn't want to deal with the "stigma" of it because the R-word is worse than the actual crime, they moved heaven and earth to bury the story and silence the issue.

    That was one of the reasons why I included that incident in the novel because I wanted to call out how pervasive rape culture is in our society.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You know, that book of yours is gettin' creepier...starting to live up to its cover and everything....

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is from the video where Tony Porter making a call to men. He asked a young football player this question once:

    "How would you feel if in front of all these players the coach told you that you play like a girl?...The boy said to me it would DESTROY me...God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"

    When I heard that, that was deep. And I asked myself that same question. I think we men must re-examine our attitudes and mindsets when it comes to how we treat women. I know I need as much help as possible.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hmmmm. Due to the increasingly degrading images and practises done to women in pornography over the past 10 years or so and their ready availability online there has been a steady proliferation of anal sex in the mainstream and men asking for it increasingly in casual encounters. Ankh, you friend was correct about it being that the man 'get's off' on the discomfort and degradation of the woman, ignoring her self- lubricating deisgned for the penis vagina and focussing on the anus. Amongst heterosexual couples it used to be something shared over time, with trust, and practise for the aperture to accomodate the organ. Now my friends and I are experiencing men asking to 'go there' pretty much off the bat. My response is always on a tit for tat basis. You can insert something into mine if i can insert something of comparable size into yours. No one has taken me up on that yet, ahahahaha!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Brotha Wolf

    "How would you feel if in front of all these players the coach told you that you play like a girl?...The boy said to me it would DESTROY me...God, if it would destroy him to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?"

    I love that ted talk on the "man box"! We live in a world where masculinity is defined in opposition to femininity and therefore to be a man you have to ascribe to masculinity and women to femininity the terms become synonymous with gender and woe betide anyone who tries to live outside those narrow rigiid boxes. Hence the humiliation the boy would feel at being told he played like a girl. To be a woman is to be second class, inferior and all that entails in the sexual arena.
    I'm going to paste a couple of quotes from Andrea Dworkins amazing book Intercourse. it is a book i recommend to anyone wanting to understand the way rape is such a 'normalized' part of our culture. I'm constantly buying copies for my female and enlightened male friends .
    "Intercourse is frequently performed compulsively; and intercourse frequently requires as a precondition for male performance the objectification of the female partner.She has to look a certain way, be a certain type - even conform to preordained behaviours and scripts- for the man to want to have intercourse and also for the man to be able to have intercourse. The woman cannot exist before or during the act as a fully realized, existensially alive individual"

    And my absolute favourite quote:
    "Can intercourse exist without the woman turning herself into a thing, which she must do because men cannot fuck equals and men must fuck: because one price of dominance is that one is impotent in the face of equality"

    ReplyDelete
  6. I almost forgot.

    An old acquaintance once told me out of the blue - for reasons I still cannot fathom - about how turned on he got when he was about 11 and he saw the original I Spit on Your Grave movie. He'd apparently spent a good decade fantasizing about that movie, and probably still does now, a decade later.

    So...like I said.....

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Jellybean14
    Ankh, you friend was correct about it being that the man 'get's off' on the discomfort and degradation of the woman, ignoring her self- lubricating deisgned for the penis vagina and focussing on the anus. Amongst heterosexual couples it used to be something shared over time, with trust, and practise for the aperture to accomodate the organ. Now my friends and I are experiencing men asking to 'go there' pretty much off the bat. My response is always on a tit for tat basis. You can insert something into mine if i can insert something of comparable size into yours. No one has taken me up on that yet, ahahahaha!!!

    Some people do enjoy a power imbalance in sex and being dominated/humiliated sexually. The thing that a lot of men don't understand is that the chemistry has to be right and it has to be with someone you trust. I've been on the receiving and the giving end and it can be enjoyable but ONLY IF BOTH partners are consenting to the situation/scenario.

    I overheard my father explaining to my older brother when he caught him looking at his dirty magazines that women in those magazines are PAID to do those things. They are professionals. He made certain my brother understood the distinction between women in the magazines and women in real life.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No wonder I'm chicken shyt about relationships, if this is part of what I have to look forward to. :(

    ReplyDelete
  9. Part of the problem is the attitude that sex is a right instead of a privilege. Sex is a privilege, and we need to stop getting it twisted.

    We have the right to be homosexual, or heterosexual, or bisexual, or asexual. We have the right to be who we are, but this doesn't entitle us to anyone else's body.

    There's a reason why many tribes in Africa favored ostracism over execution. The logic was very simple. If you do know how to play well with others, then you don't get to play.

    So women, we need to sleeping with these men who don't treat us properly (duh). They should die alone (without ever getting laid) in their forties with no one to carry on their DNA.

    A few decades of that should do it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

This blog is strictly moderated. Everyone is now able to comment again, however, all Anonymous posts will be immediately deleted. Comments on posts more than 30 days old are generally dismissed, so try to stay current with the conversations.