Menfolk, Let Go of the "Rules"

So I'm a fan of James Hannah, but I'm a realist. As hilarious as he is talking about jungle fever gone wrong or inappropriate behavior for men over forty, there are some things I feel he doesn't quite understand about modern women.



Let's get the pink elephant out of the way really quickly. These "rules", stereotypes, and justifications about men cheating and being promiscuous all serve the same purpose: to benefit men and control women. And the reason they've benefited men for so long, as Hannah unwittingly points out, is marriage. Thirsty women who chase the ring are at the mercy of men and their "rules" because men are playing off their down-on-bended-knee fantasies which all involve a wedding they've imagined since childhood.  And in James Hannah's generation, such women were plentiful because times were different.

But this is the 21st Century.  Straight men are now dealing with Straight/Bi Women 2.0.  Such women aren't all chasing the ring.  Such women have jobs, live in their own apartments/houses, walk around their homes naked without judgment, fart in bed without chastisement, and are in no hurry to breed a flock of screaming children.  And though they want to sleep around more without the stigma, it's not simply because they're chasing dick; they're on the quest for the Good Dick Grail.  Since most men are not wielding good dick, the search is often long, meticulous, and involving multiple candidates.

Mind you, the intention is not always to marry the Good Dick, just experience it.  The fun is in the search and the surprise.  You never know where it's gonna come from.  The six-foot jock with the washboard abs who's swinging ten may be completely useless in the sack, while the shy Trekkie who's swinging six might make you scream hallellujah.  *shrug*  You just don't know.

And once again...men, stop being so flattered when women talk about your cheating or being manwhores.  Women cheat too, increasingly more than men, and are much, much, much, much better at hiding it because you're all so busy jerking yourselves off in the mirror and reciting your bullshit "rules".  The great thing about being a "bartender" like Moi is that I'm a good listener.  I hear and see a LOT, and in my time, I've had to keep many a secret.  And for every man who generated some masturbatory drama about kissing another girl at the bar, or going down on her at her apartment, or whatever, there were stories I had to withhold about their own girlfriends which would've shriveled their balls on the spot.

If this was still the 20th Century, I'd keep my mouth shut about this like every other woman, and just let men enjoy their delusion.  But it's not, and y'all need to get with the program, otherwise you'll theatrically drone on and on about your "rules" and double standards, and end up talking your way out of some pussy.  I can't tell you how many times I've to had to interrupt a dude giving The Speech and let him know I didn't want him.  I had to break it down time and again to a guy, letting him know I saw no future whatsoever with him; the potential for a ring and relationship were not why he was invited over.  He was there to put out, plain and simple.  Whether I had to feign sadness, spit some lines, or do whatever, his sole purpose was there to put out and not rattle on about himself while he did so.

Which brings me to another thing: men are emo and full of shit.  They talk big and bad about not being able to commit or how they're such a player blah blah blah, but these are the douches who bring over their little $1.00 Wal-Mart notebooks of lame-ass poetry they've scribbled and insist upon reading to you.  These are the guys who lie in your arms and wax nostalgic about their uneventful childhoods.  And 99.999999% of the time, they don't even have the decency to bring good dick to the table.

Another thing: all these thirsty-ass women on a desperate hunt for the ring don't give a fuck about you.  When they say they "want a husband", the keyword in that sentence is "a", as in, "If it's not you, it can be your brother, your cousin-in-law, your drunk Uncle George, Jimmy in accounting, the dishwasher from Applebee's, or that dude with the mullet who rotates my tires."  Each one is just as good as the other; their sole purpose is to buy the ring, pay for a wedding in which they'll have zero input, and then resign themselves to paying bills and being the doting yet conveniently mute husband at public functions - that's it.  And if they rightfully and understandably choose to get a divorce after a few years of that hell, then they become the ex-husbands whose sole purpose is to be financially bled until they finally kill themselves.

So I'll just end this with a Fashion Tip from Moi: for the millionth time, men, lose the ego and stop trying to gain "leverage" over women.  If you're into a woman, be upfront and go all out.  If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out - move onto the next woman and stop trying to control the last one.

Comments

  1. I love you for this...right..here lmao! And Another thing, these same men who like to pretend that men (in general) have no control and are naturally prone to cheating, would drop their wives/girlfriends at the drop of a hat if they found out she had been cheating on them. Yet women are expected to overlook their infidelities, lies etc. The double standards are in abundance.

    ReplyDelete
  2. In my years of watching relationships come and go. I see guys brag and brag. To tell the truth it ruins it. Ok I'm old fashioned, but if a woman is a **** then a guy is one too. The rules that guys give out to woman applies to them too. Instead of guys being players or trying to be "men" grow up and be a man.

    A true man is the one who don't look down at any woman. If she says no, then it's no. If you hit it off you better take care of her and not cheat on her. Since women are making it on their own, that's better and one less thing to worry about.

    Personal note: If a guy is looking for a better woman, he needs to be a better man first.

    ReplyDelete
  3. [passes the collection plate and proceeds to do the Holy Ghost dance/electric slide/bankhead bounce/funky chicken/Holy Ghost stomp down the church aisle like it's Soul Train]

    Menfolk, or should I say boyfolk, I hate to slay your unicorns but 99.9 percent of you assholes, aren't players. And I'm gonna need you bitchasses to stop appropriating the term, because you make true players to the game look bad.

    If you're not holding it down like James Bond, Blanche Devereaux, Regine Hunter, Edie Britt, Brian Kinney, or Gwen Morgendorfer, then YOU'RE NOT A PLAYER. So shut it down.

    True players don't lie or cheat on their partners to get sex. They don't have to. Their game is an honest one. They know what they want and their upfront about it. If they get into a relationship, they get into a relationship. If they're fucking around, they own it. And you know what, their suitors don't mind sharing because true players are that on point. Yeah looks money, natural endowments are nice but at the end of the day, a sense of self is the ultimate filter and aphrodisiac. Filter because you're going to repel a lot of assholes and aphrodisiac because you'll retain potential keepers. Not always full proof but more often than not.

    I've been rewatching Daria and while Gwen annoyed me to no end when I was younger, I've come to respect her now as a true hustler. She was always blunt about her intentions. Looking good and being popular. She would flat out tell dudes that she was only using them as a means to an end and they were still whipped (and we're talking popular jocks who stayed dogging out other females) and because they had nothing to leverage. She had all the power and she owned it. That's why Sandy hated her ass. Gwen was shallow but girl was true.

    Me, I lay it out there. If I'm looking to hook up. I own it and I state my intentions.
    Hell that's one of the perks of being gay. Real men (even in relationships) can sit down and have conversations and expectations about sex. Sometimes we can agree to a no-strings three-way (or even an orgy or sex club visit). Fun is had by all, no baggage, no drama and if it's fun we do it again. No complications, no BS. Because grown consenting adults are being real.

    There's none of this waxing poetry or telling dudes what I think they want to hear. I know what I'm packing both above and below the waist and I know what I have to offer. If boyfolk are too dense to see the once in a million opportunity standing in front of them, that's on them. And they're doing me a favor because they usually ain't shit. I brush it off and keeps it moving.

    And I love how straight guys can fuck around and they're players but when gay dudes do the same thing, we get called sluts and whores by straight men and women alike.

    Real men keep it real. If they know they aren't ready to get married and start a family, they'll let a chick know upfront. And if chick don't want to listen or think they're going to change his mind (and you know some females do this), then real men cut their losses. If they're ready to settle down and start a family, they'll own it. Real men are threatened by sexual/confident/powerful women. They celebrate em and still respect them and bring home to the parentals. Real men are looking for equals as partners not liabilities. All that manipulating and trying to game someone never works. The second you start thinking you're smarter than everybody (and nine times out of ten, YOU AIN'T), you're headed for a fail.

    But Ankh, this also goes back to the previous post about straight guys being so disconnected about sex and relationships just as bad if not worse than women.

    And like you said, there's this mindset that they don't have to step up and that's why they're doing some 18th century BS in the 21st century.

    ReplyDelete
  4. But Ankh, this also goes back to the previous post about straight guys being so disconnected about sex and relationships just as bad if not worse than women.

    And like you said, there's this mindset that they don't have to step up and that's why they're doing some 18th century BS in the 21st century.


    And that's how they keep winding up in toxic situations, not to mention a country with an embarrassingly high divorce rate.

    I have accepted there's a chance I may never get married. I have embraced the fact that I don't want to have kids. I LOVE coming home to tranquil silence. And once I realized this, it was liberating as hell because I realized I never, ever, ever again had to put up with any bullshit from any man, for fear of losing "the ring."

    Fuck the ring. I can buy my own damn rings. If a man wants to step to me, his biggest concern should be, "Can I make this woman scream in the sack?" Fuck the stats, the stereotypes, the antiquated dialogue about marriage and reputations - that is some ancient history bullshit right there. I'm a 21st Century city gal and I do not have time this ish.

    Men need to learn to differentiate the thirsty from the grown. Not all women are eager to permanently shackle themselves to some man. We don't all want some man to pay our bills. We want a man who can break our backs and beds and not say something stupid in-between.

    ReplyDelete
  5. these same men who like to pretend that men (in general) have no control and are naturally prone to cheating, would drop their wives/girlfriends at the drop of a hat if they found out she had been cheating on them. Yet women are expected to overlook their infidelities, lies etc. The double standards are in abundance.

    As is the delusion.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think I'm gonna start telling people, "Damn, I was thinkin' about givin' you some pussy too. Then you opened yo' damn mouth."

    ReplyDelete
  7. So according to James wife/girlfriend/main squeeze is a bitch and the woman he cheats with is the other bitch. Nice to know I'd be a bitch regardless.

    Upgrade = support colorist, racist and misogynistic status quo.

    Housekeeper = woman down to fuck, might as well be raped on sight.

    It's sad that some women in US have been socialized since they were little girls to desire the ring. All my favorite movies, which I remember and return to mostly for musical quality, almost always involve a fantasy/unrealistic marriage/romance situation. Will also mention that these films are overwhelmingly white.

    Ex: Fairy prince happening upon your window sill and taking you on a bumble bee ride while serenading you under the moonlight.

    Ex: Prince fighting dragons and sorceresses to save you with a kiss that seals the deal.

    If the double standard protects me, it protects me from being equal to men. It protects me from being a real person. It protects me from wholly loving myself as a woman, b/c under very few conditions can I have value in the eyes of a society run by men. The double standard protects me from being too in love with life. It protects me from finding joy and solace in a single and driven life.

    I remember a comedian on Comedy Central suggesting a holiday where men are allowed to harass women for sexual favors or force women to entertain their sexualized gaze. One situation could be a guy asking his female co-worker, whom he offers a bouquet of flowers, if she can suck his dick (because he assumes she is a hoe based on her dress). If such a holiday existed I would kill myself. I'm surprised I'm still alive now b/c I've contemplated suicide more than once.

    Also reminds me of Ray William Johnson on YouTube. I watch for the viral videos, but he constantly floods his show with rape and misogynistic humor. Also doesn't mind being transphobic from time to time. It's like watching Family Guy but without the show tunes.

    Right now I don't see myself being in a long term relationship, but I still want to meet and date people. If it's short term it is what it is. I don't know where I'll be in the near future, but I'm trying to accomplish the things that I want to do. And no man and his dick can interfere with that.

    What I don't like about some men is their trying to control the entire relationship, just to control you, and not telling you what their next step or real intentions are. I had a very bad experience with this and it's made me hesitant to get back into the ring any time soon.

    ReplyDelete
  8. ...and the title alone deserves two snaps up! *snap snap*

    I'm not even gonna comment because I blog about this shit incessantly.

    Neo: Co-motherfuckin'-sign!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Enjoyed that thoroughly, lol.

    More on the men-, no, boyfolk:
    http://www.cnn.com/2011/10/04/opinion/bennett-men-in-trouble/index.html

    ReplyDelete
  10. Perla Buttons10/8/11, 1:15 AM

    Once again, your timing is spot on!

    I really needed a reminder that - if/when I start dating again - I don't have to act like I want to settle down and take out a mortgage if all I want to do is enjoy a man's company. That I shouldn't have to hide the fact that I don't want kids. That it's OK to put a premium on how a bloke is in bed. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  11. one of my favorite posts by you, my dear. so much of what i've been feeling and unable to quite articulate lately. THANK YOU

    ReplyDelete
  12. ***comment moderation***

    @ "Bruce"

    You missed the point of the post.

    This isn't about throwing away a potential boyfriend or husband because of a lousy performance. The point is, they don't have to be a potential husband or boyfriend - just a lover/hook-up. Ergo, men need to stop assuming the women they're in bed with want more than sex, and thus need to focus on keeping their mouths shut and being good...if they want a chance at a repeat performance.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I remember a comedian on Comedy Central suggesting a holiday where men are allowed to harass women for sexual favors or force women to entertain their sexualized gaze.

    I'll accept that holiday under the condition that once a year, women are allowed to track down all the men who've ever treated them like dog shit and shoot them in the heads with complete legal immunity.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This was brilliant. I can't even count the number of dates I've been on, initiated by men, who would get all preachy right off the rip after I accepted and joined them on an outing, with the: "Well, I'm only looking for a *friend*, I'm not looking to get serious/married right now" speech, before we've even ordered the first glass of wine. To which I usually had to, as levelly and concisely as I could, explain how I'm *also* not interested in children or a commitment; nor am I currently interested in expanding my friendship circle. Only to get looked at sideways.

    There were times I wanted nothing other than to get a good make-out session out of the evening. But, as was already stated, some men have zero chill, because they assume the ultimate goal for *all* of us, is to 'get a ring put on it.' They can't just let things happen organically, or let the chips fall where they may without the ego and getting ahead of themselves, before I've even had the chance to vet properly and determine if I even *like* them enough to consider a second or third date.

    This, and a plethora of other annoyances, is why I've been happily out of the dating game for the past year 1/2 or so. Great post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There were times I wanted nothing other than to get a good make-out session out of the evening.

      Right???? We got needs too!!!

      Delete

Post a Comment

This blog is strictly moderated. Everyone is now able to comment again, however, all Anonymous posts will be immediately deleted. Comments on posts more than 30 days old are generally dismissed, so try to stay current with the conversations.