POC I'm Watching: Jon Foo

Okay. *rubs temples*

I initially wasn't going to watch Tekken (2010).  The trailer alone was enough to make me retch.  But Neo-Prodigy sent me an email encouraging me to do so and since actor Jon Foo is pretty, I figured I might as well.  Figured I might even learn something.  And I did.

However, before I continue, let me clarify that once again the actors where not the problem.  If you make a movie with friggin' Ian Anthony Dale, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, and Jon Foo, and it flops...you fucked up. You and yours took a wrong turn somewhere.

But I digress.

What I Learned from Tekken

1) Cheap, easy white girls are where it's at.  For a 21st Century film, it reeks of racebending and white female fetishism like I haven't seen in a while.  All I saw was cleavage, midriffs, and ass-crack over and over again.  Except for Jin's mama (Tamlyn Tomita) - the only respectable female in the film - all the women are white bimbos who give it up at the drop of a hat.  And they give it up any way you want.  Threesome?  Sure, why not.  You don't have to give a fuck about them.  You can even pursue one while another is waiting for you at home.

Which reminds me - relationships, come to find out, happen overnight.  All it takes is to flirt with a girl one time, go out with her to club (where she hair dances and grinds like a ho), stir and let simmer for 48-72 hours (ballpark), and she's suddenly ready to lay down her life for you.

And to think men wonder why shit is so different (and so difficult) in real life.

Whining about Daddy, apparently, is an excellent
form of foreplay.  Who knew?

2) Only Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa can pimp a ridiculous haircut and still be taken seriously.  And only Tagawa-sama.

This was unnecessary, y'all.

3) Sex is dull.  It's passionless, motionless, and only lasts a few seconds.  No matter how pretty the participants are, they're better off going out and gettin' something to eat instead.

I would've rather watched these two go out for well-done steaks, some greens, deep-fried potatoes, ice-cold sweet tea (Southern style), and some decadent chocolate cheesecake...holla if you hear me.

I'd bet they'd rather fuck up some jambalaya right now,
instead of each other.

*nods*  Romance ain't dead.  It just needs seasoning and some hot sauce.

4) Jon Foo is pretty.  Like...for real.

Whether he's beaten, bloody, and sweaty....

...or doing four different accents in one film...

...this dude is pretty

Now, I ain't sayin' I'd take a bullet for him or anything...

...but if he wanted to, we could go get something to eat.

Recommended

Tekken (2010) *rubs temples* Um...why, exactly?

Comments

  1. Wait? There were women in this film? Really. I thougnt I briefly saw a fight between two female characters. I guess I was distracted or something....can't imagine why.

    [resumes oogling John Foo]

    You said racebending? Were some of the white female characters actually WOC? I'm not familiar with Tekken the game (I've played one of them once so I can't remember) and I'm not familiar with the story or the background.

    "I would've rather watched these two go out for well-done steaks, some greens, deep-fried potatoes, ice-cold sweet tea (Southern style), and some decadent chocolate cheesecake...holla if you hear me."

    HOLLA!

    "Only Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa can pimp a seriously ridiculous haircut and still be taken seriously."

    I said the same thing when I saw him. Did you watch what happened after the credits ended?

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  2. Jon Foo is ok... Thanks for the review I won't be wasting my bandwidth watching that hot mess.

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  3. I wanted to love this movie, it is my favorite game series. This movie was so...just sad. I was upset about Christy (I strongly believe she is Afro-Brazillian just look at her Grandpa in the game! Can't believe people tried to justify the choice of actress...no. Same people had crap to say about Halle Berry being Catwoman, can you say Eartha Kitt?), Raven looked like he was wearing a freaking costume...not a cool ninja suit, and that stupid monologue that Kazuya was making while he and the Williams sisters were having a threesome was so effing stupid. I could not finish the movie...disgrace!

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  4. Wait Ankh, you actually thought a cinematic adaptation of a video game would be anything but "the leftovers of crap"? There has never been one that was even "barely passable" when this horrible Hollywood trend started with John Leguizamo, in that god awful Mario Brothers movie.

    Even that Final Fantasy movie sucked, (which had nothing to do with the original series.) The one that was merely riding the coat-tails of the franchise's success by calling it "Final Fantasy".

    (**walks off ranting endlessly, with arms flailing madly**)

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  5. And "Oh...My GOD!" Was Cary supposed to be Heihachi? That is just...

    ...

    ....

    I don't even know where to begin. Who produced this? Take a baseball bat to his hands so he can never write again! (Ok, not really. But he should never make another movie.)

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  6. @ Franklin

    Wait...you mean you didn't like Mortal Kombat?

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  7. I don't know about the movie,but I like the man in it(John Foo)

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  8. @Franklin

    How about Final Fantasy Advent Children. Personally, I like it. I wish that they'd do something like that for FFVIII

    @Ankh
    Mortal combat was da bomb, especially that Scorpion fight scene, scare the crap outta me.

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  9. Speaking of video game movies of win, I'm also going to have to add FF7: Advent Children and the Resident Evil series.

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  10. @ M

    I don't know about the movie,but I like the man in it(John Foo)

    I know, right? John Foo is the only reason I'm not entirely furious right now. I'm even tempted to pop the DVD back in and watch a few select scenes once again. I like how he fights.

    @ Sade

    Mortal combat was da bomb, especially that Scorpion fight scene, scare the crap outta me.

    For me it was Shang Tsung. Cary Tagawa is the reason I can't take the other Shang Tsungs from the shows seriously. Tagawa's version both terrified and turned on his audience.

    Another thing is, I like it when Jon's natural Irish brogue come out. I wished he could've just been himself in the movie; it could've made things 10 times better.

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  11. @ Franklin:

    You're talking about "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"? I liked that movie though it seemed completely unrelated (like no moogles or chocobos to be seen). It had a really good soundtrack with one song by L'Arc en ciel.

    Resident Evil I thought that was a good movie series for the most part. Tomb Raider also wasn't bad from what I remember. Like the first movie.

    Silent Hill wasn't bad either.

    @ Sade:

    I too wish a bit more attention was paid to FFVIII. I didn't play FFVII so I don't get all the hype, but I thought that FFVIII was a very good game. The soundtrack is amazing. And really, what other game lets you fight hockey players and has you defeating a time traveling sorceress?

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  12. @Ankh
    You know what...I completely forgot about Mortal Kombat! (The first one, not the sequel.) I stand corrected, in my absolutist statement earlier.

    @Sade
    I hated Advent Children, because the characters that I loved had next to no screen time. The only ones that had a ton of potential, in the game but were sidelined. Barret and (especially "Mr. I'm-Only-Good-for-A-Cameo-Despite-Being-the-Most-Badass-Character-in-the-GAME!") Cid Highwind. AC was just a massive circle jerk for the overrated "Brooding Emo Clan". A.k.a. Cloud, Vincent, and Sephiroth.

    @Marona
    I really can't comment on Tomb Raider, as the main reason I disliked that series was for it's main selling point. Lara Croft's massive chest. Another stain on the weak image of powerful female characters in video games, that was established by Samus Aran back in the day. (Who was recently oversexed up and turned into another ditzy and powerless female character, by the most misogynistic of video game companies.)

    (*RAGE!!*)

    Ahem! Sorry or the mini-rant, but getting back to Tomb Raider. Adding Angelina Jolie to portray her was just another reason to hate it. (I have my own reasons, and I don't wanna get into it...)

    Resident Evil, I put on the same level as Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. In terms of it not really having much to do with the main series, outside of the name and a tiny reference here and there. Same with House of the Dead. Silent Hill, the only thing interesting about that movie was just how well done the horrible and over the top "Pyramid Head Skin Rip" moment was.

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  13. And not to sound like to "hater" FFVIII was the one I loathed the most of the series. Followed by FFX. Although, that didn't stop me from being a completionist and playing the heck out of FFVIII, to say I did every possible thing in it. Well that and I was bed ridden for 3 months at the time, and it was an X-Mas present...

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  14. And in case anyone's wondering why I'm so bitter towards video game movies, it's because you simply can't wrap up 30 to 80 hours of a continuous story in 114 minutes. Unless it's a fighting game, and that fighting game has a gimmick that makes it stand out from the rest. Like Mortal Kombat. (The first one.)

    May Raul Julia (one of my favorite actors of all time) rest in piece, but the first Street Fighter was TERRIBLE!

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  15. I hated this movie. Christie is supposed to be a buxom black woman from Brazil not a skinny American white girl. That and all the other obvious problems. Fuck this movie. I love the games tho

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  16. Wow, its nice to see there are gamers around here, even do I’m not huge gamer. Ever since I heard Hollywood was making Tekken into a movie I’ve been wanting to see it, but once it came out my brother warned not to see it. So, far I’ve listened to him. Now, that Ank has reviewed the movie an gave it a bad rating because we all know Ank is not going to sugar coat the truth. I probably won’t watch the whole even do my curiosity his killing me, I’ll just take a little peek at this John Foo, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Luke Goss, and Ian Anthony Dale.

    Another movies that are based on games that do like are: Mario Brothers, Street Fighter (that’s how I feel in love with Jay Tavare), and Mortal Kombat. Tomb Raider was okay, I think in some ways Jolie fit’s the character. I know The King of Fighters was made into a movie which came out last year. Will Yun Lee (damn you Jennifer Birmingham for taking my man…) plays the character Iori Yagami and Maggie Q who plays has the “new” Nikita portrays Mai Shiranui. They knew Christie Monteiro was suppose to Brazilian that’s why this shit got sent straight to DVD and not on the big screens.

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  17. @ Franklin:

    I understand your gripe with AC. I'm a Vincent fangirl and feel he has a legitimate reason for being emo unlike some. But yeah, the emo brooding hero theme gets tiring. In FFVIII I had some criticisms regarding how the weight of the world is thrust upon the heroes who knew literally nothing prior to the sorceress assassination attempt. And then written within Selphie's journal are concerns about GF exposure causing memory lose and other possible damage. The Cid character in that game was purely incompetent and selfish. Hell, I hated Ellone for keeping so many secrets when lives were at stake. And although I'm not finished with the game based on the movie sequences it doesn't seem as if Squall's paternity will ever be resolved. It's like the elephant in the room. And I hated the romance. I just don't like Rinoa and I can't understand why Squall would be interested in such a baby like her. Quistis and Selphie were among my favorite female characters.

    And I see your point about Lara Croft and Samus. Those games have been geared toward a male audience and it seems to reflect poorly on marketers and industry people that they can only entice male gamers with busty and oversexed women. Samus is still a very unique hero in my opinion.

    I don't really get the hype about Angelina Jolie's acting career. I honestly feel that it's more about her looks than her acting most of the time. But women are held up to more of a physical standard, but that's not the only thing that would carry ones career.

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  18. @ Marona

    I guess I shouldn't be so hard on Vincent. He did kinda get screwed over, when he was experimented on. That still doesn't stop me from hating "the new thug" that is emo.

    As for FFVIII the only character that kept me from trading the game for store credit was Zell. Zell was the MAN! Goofy personality that would switch up when things got serious, awesome chatacter design, killer moves. The whole nine. I would definitely play a spin off game with him, if they made one, like they did for Vincent. Since he's one of my favorite Final Fantasy characters of all time. Squall sucked. Rinoa was just a waste of disk space, and I would rather have her dog be in the party in her place. Suave "Yee-Haw" Irvine was ok. Quistis was alright too, as she was the voice of reason. I never used Selphie though.

    Samus was awesome until they let the company that made perverted Dead or Alive make the last Metroid game. Who dumbed down the first of the few female characters who was more well rounded and well developed than most iconic male characters. Samus was the truth! Now, they just turned her into a timid shell of her former self, who wouldn't use certain abilities (even if her life depended on it) unless some male higher up gave her the "ok". (Sigh!) At least there's still Jade from Beyond Good and Evil...

    @Mello

    Wait, there was actually a King of Fighters movie? Grrr! Noooo! Is nothing sacred?

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  19. @ Franklin

    Yes, there is a King of the Fighters movie. It came out on Blu Ray DVD. You can watch the trailer on Youtube or IMDB.

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  20. @Franklin. I personally loved FF7 Advent Children but I definitely agree with your points about the lack of Barret time and too much focus on the Emo brigade. I also think Tifa should've had a beefed up role (though she looked incredible.

    Speaking of Tifa, am I alone in thinking she needs her own movie and/or video game spinoff. She's been in FF7, Crisis Core, Before the Crisis, Dirge of Cerebrus, Kingdom Hearts, etc. Obviously she's as popular as Cloud, Zach, Vincent, and Sephiroth, I think it's time she gets to take center stage.



    Also, if you haven't seen it, Mortal Kombat Legacy, it's out on iTunes. WATCH NOW!!!!!

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  21. @ Franklin:

    Zell is the man!! I love Zell. I would totally cosplay as him if I could. As far as Limit Breaks Selphie's is unpredictable and I feel like she got the short end of the stick. It's just a slot machine for spells. I mean, you can use some pretty good spells but I'd rather not waste time in a real fight. I just meant that I liked her character. Like if Quistis and Selphie had aliases they would be "Dominatrix" and "Train Slut" respectively. I liked Selphie's generally bubbly nature and affinity toward explosives.

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  22. @Neo: I have and it is awesome man.

    Also, I saw the review of Tekken, and it seems to Americanized. Jin is noting but a Emo who thinks of his mom when fighting.

    This is one of the reasons why I hat videogame movies made in America. The best video-game movie would be the Street Fighter Animated Movie, at lest they stayed true to the character instead of American Gile.

    Also Although Tekken was bad..it's a good thing that it's not King of Fighters with it's racebending. I mean what is hard of casting an Asian guy as the lead. And they changed the storyline.

    It's not that hard to do a tournament movie that takes place around the world

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