I initially wasn't going to watch Tekken (2010). The trailer alone was enough to make me retch. But Neo-Prodigy sent me an email encouraging me to do so and since actor Jon Foo is pretty, I figured I might as well. Figured I might even learn something. And I did.
However, before I continue, let me clarify that once again the actors where not the problem. If you make a movie with friggin' Ian Anthony Dale, Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa, and Jon Foo, and it flops...you fucked up. You and yours took a wrong turn somewhere.
But I digress.
What I Learned from Tekken
1) Cheap, easy white girls are where it's at. For a 21st Century film, it reeks of racebending and white female fetishism like I haven't seen in a while. All I saw was cleavage, midriffs, and ass-crack over and over again. Except for Jin's mama (Tamlyn Tomita) - the only respectable female in the film - all the women are white bimbos who give it up at the drop of a hat. And they give it up any way you want. Threesome? Sure, why not. You don't have to give a fuck about them. You can even pursue one while another is waiting for you at home.
Which reminds me - relationships, come to find out, happen overnight. All it takes is to flirt with a girl one time, go out with her to club (where she hair dances and grinds like a ho), stir and let simmer for 48-72 hours (ballpark), and she's suddenly ready to lay down her life for you.
And to think men wonder why shit is so different (and so difficult) in real life.
|Whining about Daddy, apparently, is an excellent |
form of foreplay. Who knew?
2) Only Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa can pimp a ridiculous haircut and still be taken seriously. And only Tagawa-sama.
|This was unnecessary, y'all.|
3) Sex is dull. It's passionless, motionless, and only lasts a few seconds. No matter how pretty the participants are, they're better off going out and gettin' something to eat instead.
I would've rather watched these two go out for well-done steaks, some greens, deep-fried potatoes, ice-cold sweet tea (Southern style), and some decadent chocolate cheesecake...holla if you hear me.
|I'd bet they'd rather fuck up some jambalaya right now, |
instead of each other.
*nods* Romance ain't dead. It just needs seasoning and some hot sauce.
4) Jon Foo is pretty. Like...for real.
|Whether he's beaten, bloody, and sweaty....|
|...or doing four different accents in one film...|
|...this dude is pretty.|
|Now, I ain't sayin' I'd take a bullet for him or anything...|
|...but if he wanted to, we could go get something to eat.|
Tekken (2010) *rubs temples* Um...why, exactly?