|Eldest Sis chillin' in my new crib.|
Anyhoo, so I've been reconnecting with the family, talking about the usual and seeing new aspects to old ish. The siblings and I were at the Eldest Sis's house talking about black women stuff when the Eldest Sis brought something to my attention which I believe I missed earlier.
With age really does come wisdom.
She talked about one of her best buds, a fortysomething black male drummer who really doesn't have his ish together. No steady job and no advanced education, but at least his prison record's intact.
At this point, I should probably hastily explain to you all that the Eldest Sis tends to collect quite the variety of friends.
Anyways, she initially approached him as a potential significant other. She didn't know his whole deal at the time (this was almost a decade ago), but he was fun, spontaneous, good-looking, and an actually a very good musician. Still is. So the Eldest Sis was looking at this guy as a potential boyfriend, and the moment he picked up on that, he flat-out told her, "I would never a date black woman."
Needless to say, the Eldest Sis was quite stung, but over time she got over it once he not only revealed his prison record, but briefly went back to prison for doing some new shit. Yes. His reasoning also had a lot to do with her getting over it; the explanation wasn't anything new: black women expect too much, blah blah blah, black woman want you to have a job, blah blah blah, go to school, blah blah blah, be reliable, blah blah blah, be an overall decent human being, blah blah blah - you know...irrational, unreasonable expectations like that.
So the eldest started seeing someone else, and learned that the guy - we'll call him "Mike" - was seeing a white woman - we'll call her Sally. While Mike was stuck in the Big House, Sally and the Eldest Sis got to know each other and were quite friendly. The elder one noted that Sally - unlike Mike - had a full-time job, was continuing her education, AND raising a child (not Mike's). Overall, the Eldest Sis deemed Sally to be a perfectly nice lady and a fairly decent mother. Sally's only issue, however, was that she weighed over 400 lbs. Still does.
One day, while Mike was still in the Big House, Sally came over to visit the Eldest Sis and they got to talking. Sally confessed to my sis, "You know, when I first met you, I was a bit intimidated."
To which the Eldest Sis raised an eyebrow, "Pourquoi?"
Sally answered her uncomfortably, "I thought you and Mike might be having a thing on the side. I was afraid he might eventually leave me for you."
My sis laughed and told her not to worry because Mike didn't date black women*. When a very confused Sally asked why, the Eldest Sis told her his explanation: Black women want an educated man with a job, ambitions, and a powerful aversion to jail time. To Mike, such expectations were simply too high.
My sis said the look on Sally's face broke her heart. 'Cause Sally asked her, "Does Mike think I don't expect the same things because I'm fat?"
It's a defense mechanism
I mentioned this before with white guys who want to date black women, but are fairly certain it'll be a cold day in hell before a black woman actually agrees to go out with them. I don't know why it never occurred to me that for many black men who would actually prefer to date and marry black women (of quality, of course), "I would never date a black woman" is also a defense mechanism. Unlike with white guys who genuinely are uncertain and who are venturing into brand new territory, for some black men it's old hat. They can see that rejection coming from miles away.
They know that if they are with a black woman of quality and they so much as mention being out of work for some ridiculously extended period, the digits will not be handed over. The same goes for the "college just wasn't for me" speech, the "I'm broke but have ambitions to be a record producer" speech, and the cliched, euphemism-ridden, "debt to society, error of my ways" speech (the Eldest Sis has a theory that the prison system actually teaches this speech to convicts on their way out of jail. I think if that's the case, the line was probably intended to help convicts get jobs, not women).
So black women, the next time you're chattin' with a fully grown black man who ain't got a damn thing going on his life, and he dismissively tells you sorry, but he'd never date a black woman...don't be offended. You have not been insulted. It is perfectly okay for you to laugh in response. Laugh loudly and freely. Let those melodious peals ripple from a deep healthy place. Let the tears stream down as you double over and rupture a spleen.
*At this point my sis figured mentioning the deadbeat convict factor would be somewhat insensitive, in case any of you are wondering why she didn't bring that up.