Toning Down the Desperation

You might be a Desperate Black Woman if:

You're constantly assuming the men you meet don't like black women.

This is a very unnecessary worry amongst black women.  Yes, I know a lot of us have heard some fucked-up bullshit growing up in this backward-ass country, but there's fucked-up bullshit, and then there's reality.  It's one thing to worry if a guy is gay or not.  It's another thing to assume there's a strong chance every single guy you're talking to is uninterested in black women.

Funny thing about men.  They like it all.  Gay, straight - they like it all.  The only time the outside really matters that much is if the man in question has some "issues".

Fashion tip: Play shit by ear.  Don't assume shit until shit happens.

You're constantly whining and bitching online and in person about being single.

We've all met a guy who does this and when he does it, we tend to think he's creepy and a potential rapist.  We think he's so mad at not getting what he wants that he'll do anything to finally get what he wants.  He's the dude we don't leave our drinks around unattended.  We don't go anywhere with him alone and if backed against the wall, we give him a fake phone number.  Why?  Because that ish is unattractive.

So we can imagine how unattractive it looks when a woman is pouring her frustrations out in fluent victimese.  It's one thing to have a confidential chat with a trained professional who help you get from point A to B.  It's another to misrepresent your less dysfunctional sisters across the blogosphere and vlogosphere, talking that "You don't know how hard it is for a black woman to find a date" bullshit - um, leave the rest of us the hell out of it!!!  We ain't you; sistah gyal that's your dysfunction - own up to it and quit acting that shit is built-in.

Furthermore, if you haven't been on a date in over a year, and haven't had sex in six, don't advertise that shit to the world.  A woman saying she's been involuntarily dateless and sexless for long while is like a grown man saying he doesn't have a job and ain't doing a damn thing to change it.

Fashion tip (courtesy of the lil sis): the blogosphere is not your friend.  You need to get offline and deal with real people every day reminding you to get yo' shit together.  People whose commentary you can't delete.

You think you don't have dating options outside black men.

DBW, this is 2011.  You don't have to date just black men; fuck, you don't have to date just men - we've already been over this.  If you love women, want women, dream about women, find yourself tripping over your own feet and forgetting how to talk when you see beautiful women, then get yourself a fine-ass, fly-ass woman and get rid of anyone isn't supportive.

I've actually heard black woman spout that "I don't have options" bullshit and it has made my flesh crawl every damn time.  Because these are always the same miserable heffas who look at perfectly content swirlers and lesbians like they've made a fucked-up decision.

You don't have yo' shit together.

DBW, take yourselves off the market and use the downtime to get yourself together.  Now, some of you might ask, "What's the difference between being continuously rejected and taking myself off the market?"  Here's the difference: if you're being flat-out rejected left and right by everyone, then chances are - like it or not - you are doing something wrong.  Maybe you're not funny, but still try to be.  Maybe you're too much of a ditz.  Maybe you get uncontrollably drunk all the time.  Maybe your fashion sense  Maybe you treat every potential suitor like Princing Charming, a soulmate, a therapist, and a life coach all rolled into one.

Whatever your poison, get your shit together.  Consciously and deliberately refuse to date anyone.  Do not go around broadcasting that you're off the market, and then telling random folks the story of why.  If someone asks you out, decline - quickly and politely, and then get out of dodge before you give into disaster.

See a professional if necessary.  For all you college folks, counseling is provided free through your school.  For those of you with careers, have a sit-down with your insurance company.  For the broke folks with few options, take up journaling, walking, getting plenty of rest, eating more healthily, and reading some self-help books from the Used & New section on

For those of you still in high school, focus on getting straight A's.

You qualify for the Nita "Jade" Hanson Award.

Enough said.

You are unattractive.

I'm not talking about physically unattractive.  I'm talking about lacking a healthy personality, some conversation skills, some social intelligence, some manners, some hobbies, goddamnit.  I have met the socially inept black woman, looked into her soulless eyes, and I believe in 2011 she should be bitch-slapped rather than backed up and coddled.

Put down the romance novels with airbrushed white folks on the cover.  Throw your Arwen coronet in the trash.  Burn all of your faded black T-shirts with the full moons, wolves, and Celtic-styled lettering on the front.  Learn some shit about you.  Knowledge of identity is empowering.  You can't go anywhere if you don't know where the fuck you're coming from.


DBW, this is for your own good.  In 2011, there will be no more sympathy for you.  No more coddling, no more backing up, no more benefit-of-the-doubt.  We're tryin' to get it pushin' 'round here, and we can't have no dead weight slowing us down.  If you want a significant other but can't seem to do anything right to get one, stop making it about being a "black woman" and about being "you, woman."



  1. Ugh, I know this girl who...ugh. I don't even want to waste time talking about it. I want to put this somewhere that she indirectly sees it without being obvious about. Maybe she'll get the hint.

    She's mixed(B/W) her BF is white and he totally disrespects her. Not racially abusive but he's just a tool. He's her first BF, but she has no job and literally every FB post is something about him.

    11:30- I miss my boyfriend.

    4:30- I love my boyfriend.

    7:30-My boyfriend is such an asshole.

    9:30- aw look at what my boyfriend got me to make up for what he did earlier.

    I thought she was shallow, and she is but WOW. Like get off his dick for a little while before the skin starts to wrinkle from your mouth constantly being on it!

    I'm so tempted to delete her ass, just so that I don't have to see that shit. Like she's posted "I love you" on his wall several times, he has done NO SUCH THING on her wall ONCE. Mind you they've been going out for a few months at the most? I tried to get her a job, she doesn't work and depends on him and her parents, and she turned it down because 3-11 would mean they didn't get to spend every waking moment together.

    *shudders* I'm embarrassed for her. I want to grab her and shake her:"Stop demeaning yourself! Have your own shit going on! You will smother him in no time and embarrass the entire gender while you do it! Have some self respect woman!"

    I don't think it would do any good though. some things people have to learn through experience and when they inevitably break up.... I just shake my head and keep going.

  2. I get this nagging feeling that she's a token and possessing him is her passport into whiteness. She's mixed and she called herself black but in demeaning stereotypical ways, like "Oh I'm black, I love chicken!" see what I mean?
    She wrote this about herself: " Never take a cigarette, from a niggarette."

    God forbid she should loose him! Then whatever would she do? However would she define her worth as a person?

    ...............pray for the child.

  3. @ Student - I'd have to call her over so I could punch her in the face.

  4. I was bracing myself for hate mail after this.

  5. Girl, if you get hate mail, it's because you struck a raw nerve. I always think that when people get offended by something, usually that's the very aspect of themselves they need to examine and I'm no different (except I'm not a DBW; quite the opposite). Your post is spot-on, and I hate my initial reply didn't go through (grrr! fuckers!).

    Whenever I hear a woman going on and on about how every man she gets with isn't worth a fart in a windstorm, I'm tempted to say, "But you're the common denominator with every last one of them."

    When a woman behaves desperately, men will treat her as such. Motherfuckers know who they can get over on; who will put up with their trifling bullshit in spite of hell; who will take care of them and pay their bills while they are taking care of a woman they respect and actually want (and who won't put up with their trifling bullshit).

    Yes, I know women like this and I want to pimp-slap them all up and down the interstate, but the desperation of having a man appears to destroy neurons at an alarming rate.

    Get yo' shit together indeed.

  6. Why would you get hate mail for this Ank? I dont think you said anything out of order.

  7. @ Leoprincess
    PLEASE. I get so tempted to do it myself sometimes, but I don't. I really think that she can't help it. She's the same age that I am roughly but we've had different experiences. I live in my own apartment,I work,I'm self sufficient and she still lives with her parents hangs out with him, plays video games all the time. I don't know if that makes a difference but to me she thinks and acts just like a child.

    It's not alright for him to disrespect her, at all, but it's hard for me to respect her because she obviously has no respect for herself. I can't take her seriously. And I feel bad for that because I know that she likes me. But I can't relate to many of the things that she does, they just don't make sense to me. The biggest thing being that she treats her boyfriend like he's GOD and basically her whole entire world revolves around him, pretty much.

    I understand being in love, but I doubt that's what's going on here. She seems codependent. Really codependent. I don't think it's healthy to be in relationships when you can barely take care of yourself. I know too many girls that I went to high school with or knew when I was younger that went strait from their parents to a boyfriend and they all regret it now. They're like "Oh you have job and you're in school? I wish I was but I have this kid or my husband won't let me go so..."

    That's why I don't really want to date now while I'm in school. I'm emotionally vulnerable because of all the stress I'm under. So rather than risk getting into a potentially unhealthy relationship, Men prey on vulnerable women, I just stay alone for the most part. I could be with lots of men and I socialize with lots of men but that's it. I want to at least pass my nursing boards and then you know...maybe, I'm not going out of my way to avoid it but it isn't my primary focus. You have to have goals and a life of your own.

    Her father apparently didn't really raise her and her sister so maybe that's the reason? But I didn't have a father around either growing up and I've never acted this way with men. Men usually are attracted to the fact that I'm independent and driven, granted they're usually older but I can relate to them better so *shrug*
    I never felt like I had to be with a man in order to have a full life.

    I don't understand that desperation, I don't know what drive it.

  8. @ Student

    Quick question: why are you friends with this girl? What enrichment does she bring to your life? Because what you're describing here sounds like a toxic friend.

  9. Well she is a friend of a friend. I'm friends with her Uncle(he's two years older than me and she's a few years younger than I am). If I hang out with him, I'm somewhat obligated to be around her. He's pushing the relationship more than I am, I guess because he's somewhat enamored with me and he wants to find excuses to spend time together outside of where we normally see each other. Also he thinks I'll be something of a good influence on her.

    I didn't hang out with him on his birthday just because I didn't want to have to be around her and her boyfriend. I just gave him his present today, because we ran into each other and his birthday was like two weeks ago.

    She enriches my life because she's very intelligent and funny. She's a release from my disciplined serious life. She's brings sincerity and perspective to my life I guess. I get to actually act my age when I'm with her. It's very freeing, except when she's around her BF.

    A lot of my friends are older than me, and they are usually men, so I get to gossip and talk about things that my other friends can't relate to or just don't understand. Like getting dressed up to go out with other girlfriends and, do things like going shopping together.

    She reminds of friends I used to have, that I don't spend time with anymore because our lives made us grow apart. Like my best friend from back home thats divorced(she's only a year older than me, I'm 22) and has a daughter. We started to grow apart once she started seeing her ex- husband and only recently started talking again. I feel kind of disconnected from my own generation at times. Especially people from my class background so I try to reconnect when I get the chance if I find someone that I have something in common with especially a female with similiar interests. It gives my life balance that I feel is personally necessary for my identity for a lot of reasons.

    This girl is engaged apparently and I can see her following the same path. Which is extremely disheartening to me for every reason you put in your post (that applies to her): she's very race ignorant, she doesn't have her shit together and doesn't seem to make it a priority to get her shit together. Like I gave her an application for a job at the place I work at, and I don't know if she turned it in or not. I sent her a message and she didn't respond. I even gave her a way of getting into contact with the administrator(email) and she hasn't done it.

    I hope if I help her become independent by getting a her a job, she'll see that she doesn't have to be dependent on other people and maybe she'll grow a spine and start trying to obtain better things for herself once she sees what she's capable of.

  10. @ Student

    Okay, this

    she's very intelligent and funny

    and this right here

    "Never take a cigarette, from a niggarette."

    are antithetical. I just feel I should point that out really quickly.

  11. Lemme be honest:

    This is partially why I don't like to frequent specific lifestyle forums geared towards black women. The few desperate, thirsty ones, wanna act like this is how all of us are, and then they get mad when you correct them otherwise. They might throw accusations of you being stuck up, "pro team swirl", get indignant whenever you mention your SO/husband, and just generally throw shit in your direction because you call them out for being too pressed to get "it"/a man/compliments from a male internet stranger. Many of them are the same chicks who are ride or die for any unworthy man that comes their way, but to do that, they might cut their female friends faster than the state budget.

    Oh well. What do I know? I'm just a black woman in a swirl marriage who has no idea how tough it is for the black woman... to

    Black women who have a hard time in the area of love: step away from the lifestyle forums. Stop reading trashy magazines that fill your head full of fantasy garbage. Go get a hobby and stop lurking at the club every weekend hoping to find a man to love. Stop taking romance advice from your friends and family who are in the same situation you're in. If you think I'm talking about you, then yes, I probably am.

  12. I didn't say she used her intelligence. I wouldn't be referencing her in this post if she did.

  13. @aine-xenon:

    Black women who have a hard time in the area of love: step away from the lifestyle forums. Stop reading trashy magazines that fill your head full of fantasy garbage. Go get a hobby and stop lurking at the club every weekend hoping to find a man to love. Stop taking romance advice from your friends and family who are in the same situation you're in. If you think I'm talking about you, then yes, I probably am.

    *passes the collection plate* PREACH!!!!

  14. I didn't say she used her intelligence. I wouldn't be referencing her in this post if she did.

    Which brings us back to the original question.

  15. Because I'm friends with her Uncle and for some reason he adores her? It's one of those, awkward entanglements.

  16. Hhmm, it feels like for Student of the World the girl is a charity case. Like, she wants to save her.

    This reminds me of my off again/on again friendship with this girl I've known for over 17 years. We've gone down different paths in life and whenever I've tried to reach out to her she hasn't reciprocated. This was hard for me to deal with when I was in high school, just after I had moved away from family and friends to live in the unknown state of California. But since then I've been getting over it. I've come to expect this of her and if she doesn't want to change and act like she's my friend then I don't need her. So I don't worry. If she calls she calls. If she comes to see me then so be it. But I'm not going to bend over backwards just to be her friend.

    Taking note from your post. Sometimes I have to remind myself that when I'm hot I'm hot. So it's just a matter of getting in the zone and working on myself.

  17. Ankh,

    Y and the rest of these guys on here are right. Why should you get hate mail for this..or better yet, you shouldn't have to get hate for something that is the truth.Anytime people are honest. The problem with people is they rather hear lies than the truth.

    I admire people who don't sugarcoat their feelings nor the facts.Because of you honesty, your readers and potential readers are learning a lot about things that other wise would be taught in a classroom..or moreso about real life.You remind me of my former political science professor, you don't tell people what they want to know, you tell people what they SHOULD know.


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