Men of Color...Do NOT Do This

*shakes head*  A pygmy's work is never done.  Let's try this again, shall we?

From a certain blogger of color:

Some of you might think that my behavior towards that cunt was sadistic. However, I disagree.

Anecdote #1

How He Handled It: One of my recent POF dates was being an entitled, cold bitch who spent more time looking around the bar than at me. When she went to the washroom, I paid for my drinks and waited till she came back. When she came back I made one last try which she rebuffed At that point I told her that my bill was paid and left her to pay for her drinks + food (about 30-35$).

She was floored, but that bitch deserved it. I have previously done this to other gals who acted all high and mighty.

*sigh* It's gonna be a long night.

How He Should've Handled It: Firstly, sex shouldn't have been the primary focus of the date.  Secondly, he should've observed her - which he did - and then appropriately adapted to her specific behaviors - which he didn't.

1) When she kept looking around the bar, he should've politely asked if something was on her mind.

2) If she brushed him off, he should've coolly suggested they "do this another time", ended the date, gone home, and never dealt with this woman again.

3) If she objected to the date ending early, he should've explained - very calmly - that she appeared distracted and that maybe the date wasn't such a good idea.  He should've then very politely - but firmly - insisted upon ending the date.

Why?

Women love attention; however, some have to understand that in the healthy, mature world, it's a two-way street and it involves a certain measure of respect.  Handling it this way politely reminds the woman her behavior is selfish, very rude, and simply will not be tolerated.  If she has a soul (and most women do), she'll apologize, and arrange a second date - which she should then pay for - if she is indeed a decent human being at her core.  By waiting until next time, he lets her know that no amount of whining, crying, protesting, or emptily apologizing is going to change the fact that her behavior ruined the evening, and he has too much dignity to put up with it.

But when he retaliated, he earned the title of asshole and his was the behavior which ultimately ruined the evening.

Anecdote #2

How He Handled It: Another gal who went out with me a few years ago refused my physical advances, and told me that she just wanted to be friends. I then took her by public transit + walking to a part of the town far away from her place, but near mine. Called a cab, which she thought was meant to take us to a restaurant.

Once the cab came, told her that I was going home. Got into the cab and left her stranded far way from home. The cab ride home must have cost her almost 50 $. The bitch deserved it.

How He Should've Handled It: He clearly has sex on the brain, which is quite normal.  However...some women are into the casual thing, and some are not.  A woman who is not into the casual thing is not a "bitch" and sexual refusal is never grounds for retaliation - this needs to be clear to both men and women.

If all he wanted from her was sex, and she wasn't willing to give it, it would've made sense - first - for him to find out why.  If she skirted around the issue, or fed him any type of bullshit, then the two of them would've no longer had anything to talk about...at all.  The date should've end promptly but amicably.  He should never call that woman and never take her calls.  He should simply move on to someone else and never look back.

On the other hand, his date may very well have been willing, but his approach was all wrong.  Most women don't want to be pounced upon; they need to be finessed.  Talk with themListen to them.  Find out what they need, what they want, what turns them on.  With some careful, delicate questioning, he just might've been able to salvage the evening.

Why?

We've all wanted just sex as some point.  We're human; it's normal.  In fact, not wanting sex, or hyposexuality, is an actual disorder.

We're not going to "deeply connect" with or even like everyone we go out with.  There are going to some whom we sincerely wish would simply shut up and put out (and then never bother us again).  The trick is to find someone who's already on the same page.  Believe it or not, they're out there -  right now - alternately glaring at their dates and the restaurant clocks, feeling just as disappointed we are.

Keep in mind, though, sex is not worth sacrificing our dignity.  If he wasn't going to get it from her, once more, he needed to smoothly excuse himself from the date, and simply leave her - safely - be.  Because she actually behaved appropriately in this situation.

Anecdote #3

How He Handled It: I went out to drinks with a slut (self-confessed) who refused my advances. I then bought her as many drinks as she wanted. After she was really drunk at around 1.30 am, I introduced her to a group of guys who were trying to score with chicks. Told her that I had to go to the restroom, and took a cab back home.

The next day, she was very upset about the five guys having their way with her. I was not there.. so who knows.

Note that nothing described above is illegal. I paid for my drinks, paid for my cabs and did not force anyone to do anything they did not want. I respected their wishes to be left alone.

The outcomes were however less than desirable for them. Hey, at least the five guys got lucky.. and one taxi driver made 50$ more that day.

How He Should've Handled It: First off, how illegal art thou? Gee...let me count the ways.

This is a huge no-no.  Endangerment, and all that.  He could very well be held liable for his behavior, and how merciful do you think a judge will be with a man of color who sexually endangered a white woman?  Seriously?

Secondly, one can understand his ego bruise when a self-confessed slut was unwilling to sleep with him.  However, once that admission was made clear, the money-spending should've immediately stopped.  He should've excused himself from the date - while all parties were still sober - and gotten the hell out of dodge.

Why?

Um...I think that one's pretty duh.

Conclusion

1) If she's not your wife nor raising your children, no woman is entitled to your hard-earned paycheck.  To be taken out on a date is a privilege, and men and women should alternate paying for dates.  Reading about all this spending made my corneas itch.

2) Men with self-respect are hot.  Men who don't tolerate bullshit are hot.  Men who can self-assert while maintaining their civility are smoldering.

Men who beg, coerce, or dangle us out to be raped by strangers, however...are notThey just suck.  This blogger here is actually quite smart.  Highly intelligent and obviously resourceful, imagine if he'd use his powers for good rather than really disturbing evil?

3) Sex is awesome, but it's not all about the sex.  Sex is like any other biological function; as with sleep, hunger, or thirst, its urge can be ignored when necessary.  Never sacrifice your dignity for a mere shot at getting some.

4) Above all, always be the decent human being in the situation.  Sometimes, it demands humility.  Other times, resolve.  Never slake morals or nobility in retaliation.  Being refused or rejected never warrants retaliation.  Which reminds me....

5) If you and your date aren't on the "same page", then whether you've been on the date for thirty seconds or thirty minutes is irrelevant; it's time for the date to end.  Do not call them nor accept their calls when you get home.  Just as they are not obligated to you, you are not obligated to them.  You don't have to lower your standards, change your goals, or meet them half-way in any way.  They either need to get on your page or get gone.

And, ladies...some of you make my head hurt.

Stop...doing shit like this!  If you can sense the guy just wants to fuck you, and you don't feel the same...don't go out with him!  Duh!  Don't try to get a free meal or a bunch of free drinks - don't try to see what you can take from him.  It's wrong.  I can't count how many selfish, entitled bitches I've hung out with who've gone to a bar, chatted up strangers, and flat-out demanded their drinks be bought - so not attractive.  So very counterproductive.

And like it or not, this type of behavior does not encourage men to ask us out properly.  They don't know what to expect.  As comedian David Chapelle laments, "Chivalry is dead...and women killed it."

Now, I won't go so far as to say it's all our fault; it's really not, but we do have to accept some responsibility here.  So I will end this now with a story my father told me when I was a teenager.  Now...keep in mind while I'm telling you this story, we're African folk.  We tend to see things differently.

There was once a young woman who had a male admirer.  She didn't return his affections, of course, but that didn't stop her from accepting his gifts.  And, y'all...these were some nice gifts.  But anyway, one day the man approached the woman's father for her hand in marriage.  Naturally, the woman objected, but the man pointed out all the finery he'd bought her.  The woman's father asked her flat-out if she'd ever accepted anything from the man, to which she said yes.

"That's it then," the old man sighed, wearily raising and dropping his hands.  "You're married."

Comments

  1. Great post, as usual. I'm glad you didn't let *some* women off the hook in the second half. This post reminds me of when I was studying abroad--some girls were more than happy to accept drink after drink from random guys. I told them, "Nothing in life is free", and excused myself from all that. It's not like Spaniards are inherently predatory or anything (though you wouldn't know that from the "safety" videos they showed us at school), but rich, White American girls in foreign countries usually spell trouble.

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  2. I think it goes with the mentality that men "owe" them something, that they have to try really hard, buy them things, give them compliments... And they have a full right to treat them like garbage, OR to flirt (and when I say "flirt", I actually mean "go pretty far", in a way of kissing, hugging, sexually arousing) and then just say- nah, I just want to be friends, or "I'm not that kind of girl".

    Excuse me? If you don't want sex on the first date or with some random guy, fine. I can understand. But what was your tongue doing in his mouth, his hands on your butt and why are you non-stop accepting his drinks?

    Ok, I'm aware this post is not just about the girls, but I really don't have anything to add about that creepy guy.

    PS-But I repeat: While I do believe a women can dress and behave however she wants and that doesn't give anyone right to attack/rape her, I think a woman must be careful: if you don't want sex, don't behave like you do. *

    * If a guy can see your nipples or "camel toe" or butt crack as you walk into a bar, it is a clear sign for him you do, in fact, want sex. They don't understand you might dress that way because you are unsure of your attractiveness, or want to make yourself feel better, or want free drinks, or want to be more popular than your friend. To him, you want sex. And if he's the one you're flirting with and if his drinks are the ones you are accepting, it's a clear sign for him the sex you want is with him. Simple as that.

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  3. Seriously, Mira...you're going to be the death of me.

    *shakes head*

    If a guy can see your nipples or "camel toe" or butt crack as you walk into a bar, it is a clear sign for him you do, in fact, want sex.

    STILL laughing.

    Excellent points, btw.

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